I feel like I shouldn't post this but now that it's going to be done

I took very seriously about connecting every time the planets align.

I don't know how to start this, I was thinking and rethinking what I had to write but I forgot almost everything... Well, With this in the end I'm going to end up telling about my childhood traumas but in short I had a shitty vacation,

I'm fucked, VERY FUCKED, mentally fucked.

My vacation is summed up in me locked in my room rotting away without human contact except for moments of domestic violence from my mother/unwanted parent.

Since a few days before returning to school I had an emotional downturn, normally I am semi-depressed with normal moments and a terrible, almost extreme social anxiety (all of this self-diagnosed because they don't even plan to spend more money on me), so much so that I can't even talk without being super concerned about every aspect of what is happening, even my tone of voice.

I'll make a note here:

While I was writing this part, my mother came in and acted as if nothing she had said to me an hour ago had happened. What happened was that she took me out of my room to eat and she and my stepfather took advantage of it to fuck with me and when I got upset, as was logical. She got angry and started screwing me even more and scolding me because according to her "I was rude" the only thing I did was go to my room without saying anything

To put it in order.

I had a crisis because she told me I was 16, it sounds stupid, but taking into account that she treats me like I was a piece of junk, the worst piece of trash that ever existed and a filthy waste of money, well... I got super stressed and spent the whole day wishing it was night so I could cry in peace without being bothered.

In another one of those, before going back to school, she wanted me to go with her to help her buy things for my siblings, and I put on some shorts with some leg warmers because it was afternoon and it was going to be hot, well, she threw a tantrum at me because of that, SHE THREW A FUCKING TANTRUM WORTH OF A 7 YEAR OLD GIRL OVER A PIECE OF SHORTS AND LEGGINGS!!!! In the end her tantrum passed and we arrived late and missed the bus because SHE threw her tantrum.

And as the last thing I remember, because I tend to have a lot of blackouts.

On the first day of school I wanted to go to high school in shorts, but when she saw me she pulled me to her room and showed me a news story where a kindergarten girl who was going to her school was raped and she told me yes. I was wearing short clothes, the same thing was going to happen to me, and if I didn't care about the MINIMUM possibility that I had for that to happen to me (it took approximately 7 to 10 minutes to get to my house, which by the way is a basement, all of this calculated based on my headphones and the songs I listen to), that I had mental problems, that she was going to throw me out of the house, that they were going to suspend me because they thought I was going to make a pass at the teachers, she made me change my pants.

When I was on my way to school RIGHT at the entrance I met a girl who was wearing high heel boots and shorts, inside the high school I met another bunch of girls wearing shorts and absolutely no one said anything to them, I reprimanded my mother and she told me to do whatever I wanted plus another bunch of passive aggressive and threatening comments.

Today this woman left me in shit again, I even started to sob, I didn't start crying because otherwise she would have continued scolding me and even hit me.

It sounds exaggerated but she once (I think I was 11 years old) she started hitting me as if I were a punching bag, I don't remember why she started hitting me, the blows were so strong that she started to corner me in a corner and if I didn't stop her so that she wouldn't kill me I had to hit her back and run to my grandparents, when I arrived she came to me with a broom and managed to hit me and my grandparents took me to the neighbor's house to hide.

This girl also screwed up my ability to socialize, caused me eating problems and gave me a kind of weird facial dysmorphia that makes it impossible for me to see myself in photos without suffering internally.

This crap got to the point of causing suicidal thoughts at 11 years old, damn! When those thoughts started I had a mental breakdown and told him I wished I had aborted myself. Remember, 11 years old, I WAS 11

I've been like this ever since. This was the third time I had them along with the impulse and intuitive thought of cutting myself. I don't know where that thing of wanting to cut myself came from, but it started from the second time I thought about killing myself, which was one of the heaviest because I even hid a knife under my pillow in case I was depressed enough to do it. The best way I found to avoid thinking about it is to do my hair and do personal care in short.

That would be the update of my life, I may delete this or put it private but I wanted to save this because I almost never remember what I think, I never had a diary or anything like that for fear of being found and I'm not good at expressing myself through spoken or written words. And this was my best try

Among other things, I have been going to a psychologist who really doesn't help me at all. I help myself more by listening to songs than by going with her. I have told her many times, but seriously, MANY times that I suffer from domestic violence, even with audios of my mother yelling at and hitting my siblings, who by the way are between 5 and 12 years younger than me, and she doesn't do anything.

The reason I go to her is not because of the intrusive thoughts, but because one day when I was 15, I said that I wanted to go on an exchange to another school far away, very far away. The reason? I didn't want to have to put up with them for only about 6 months at most, so my dear unwanted mother sent me to the psychologist because I started to cry since they were treating me as if I were an animal for saying that.

in brief 

I'm going to disappear for an indefinite time, have a nice day, afternoon or night

9/22/2024

Ok for some reason I got a huge panic about get online and I didn't turn on my PC for a while after posting this.I feel stupid after writing and posting this.