3 months later... Update time!

Wow its been a while, I've been meaning to give an update here within the last month, its still in my reminders from a month ago. Wow a lot has happened in this time frame. I'll start by addressing my last update point by point. 

I am now 4 months on Estradiol and Spironolactone, its been wonderful really. It has majorly effected my mood in both positive and negative ways as expected! I can experience such deep and complex thoughts now, before I felt, numb... now I can actually be sad, and cry about it! Which doesn't sound fun, however I struggled with crying before HRT, and I was always upset at myself for never crying. Nowadays I can actually think about something sad and cry about it, which honestly makes me feel a lot better, crying is a lovely coping mechanism that I never had access to before. I'm still living alone but definitely have gotten a lot better surrounding myself with others. I've been able to realize nobody has their shit together, some may look it but never seems the case, and that's okay. its something us humans work on our entire life, to have our shit together. I have made good progress with working on hanging out with others and have found my people, people who get me, understand me, and love me, for who I am and will be. 

Dysphoria has actually been at an all time low! and that's little to none! I now struggle to see the man in the mirror and sometimes all I can see is the girl in the mirror. the man is never there to stare back. Last month I came out with my chosen name (Dawn) at work, and just about everyone took it smoothly, I didn't necessarily come out as Transgender, as I don't expect some coworkers to use respective pronouns for me. But they try to anyways! A coworker asked me my preferred pronouns and she started using she/they to refer to me and it has definitely caught on! I still get the occasional He/him from some coworkers (I'm sure not all of them mean harm as I don't really correct people on that) and most customers. I've gotten okay with it! I'm just a girl who gets called "he" at the end of the day. It is very euphoric when a customer uses She/Her or They/Them for me, even if they don't mean to (a good amount "correct" themselves sadly:[ ). 

I'm still getting further and further away from my parents, in a connection sense at least. I came out to my mom a few months back and she deadnamed me the next week. I assumed she had just forgot (still shitty but like she would) so next time i was able to correct her was the next time I visited, I came over, she deadnamed me, and I told her, "I go by Dawn, not that..." she replies with "Okay, Dawn... (/sarcastic)… What happened to Drea?" She remembered my previous trans name. And mocked my name? It sounded so rude like she really didn't believe that was my name, or i was making it all up just for her. I hated that she remembered I was trans, just never cared to try for it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt of her just forgetting cuz whatever, but it really fucking hurt. Man did she wanna have a whole talk about understanding and supporting and she still didn't care enough to learn my name. What's the point.  No wonder I don't pick up her calls. She tried calling me yesterday and I didn't pickup, just to see the voicemail translation include my deadname, of the 5 words she said in that voicemail one of them was my deadname. And it makes me wonder, has she even changed my contact name? FFS how do i know if you truly care if you don't try and just ask stupid questions. Like soon after correcting her she asked me questions, stupid questions like "How many Trans friends do you have?" or "How many Goth friends do you have?" As this is the first time she saw me in Dark / gothic makeup (just eyeliner and black lipstick). Both of those answers she wanted was supposedly a certain number? Am i supposed to keep track of all the trans people i know? or Goth people? And it feels like the reason she asked those questions was because she thought I couldn't of been trans on my own. Like I needed someone to inspire me or walk me through all of it. Like hell you don't know me, why do you act like you know me when we have NEVER been close. That doesn't help with the connection I already don't have with them. I don't want them in my life, but feel I need to keep them as a financial support net, as they are made of money and in this economy you need to be made of money to actually survive. And they have mentioned if i ever NEED money they would give some to me, I dont want it but i worry i will need it.

I still have yet to tell my dad about me being trans, I don't see him taking it well nor want to hear about it so idrc when it comes to that.

My brother informs me about my parents as he still lives with them, and it doesn't sound any better. So I think ill keep my distance. I think I'm near ready to just not talk to them at all, I think most of what is stopping me is them covering my Phone and Car expenses as well as some of my groceries, and if I had to pay for those, i would not have a lot of money for myself. Maybe it'll be easier soon when I get an apartment that costs less and ill be getting a job with a healthier schedule.

That's most of the update but here's what's going on now. I have an interview tomorrow along with a friend who may also be working with me, so that's really fun! I hope i get hired there. They pay a little less than my current job but I'm hoping their scheduling is better than what I get at my current job, which is very inconsistent. 

I am also trying to be more and more active, while I'm could say I am trying to be healthy at the same time, food is really good, and I could use the fat so estrogen does its part in giving me feminine placed weight rather than masculine placed weight. And its working for sure! I can tell my hips have a more defined shape to them already, and I still have so much longer to go, I'm so excited for what the future holds for me. I hope its excited to show what it has for me.