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i've given up on spacehey tbh. last time i was on here, it was basically overrun with incels who hate the idea of children have fun and making friends, and it just made me want to delete my account.

but whenever i need to vent, i do it on here so i thought i'd log back on to get some stuff off my chest. all i want to do right now is get pissed, but i have to work tonight and i don't know what time i'll get off. ideal situation would be staying at a friends place, getting really drunk, and then going home the next morning and sleeping for the rest of the day. 

anyway, this is all because for the past couple of days, my conversations with fish (who's my boyfriend now) have been short and dry, mostly because he's had school and been busy, but normally we'd talk a lot more. today, 20 minutes before i woke up, he sent me a text saying 'Ima Kms'. naturally, i panicked and started spam texting him but it's been almost two hours and he hasn't said anything. part of me believes he's just sleeping, or out with his friends, or something and he texted me that as a joke because he's said stuff like that before as a joke and it hasn't been a big deal, but out of nowhere, with no context or warning? i'm worried. he hasn't been active on anything since yesterday, and i have no sign that he's okay. 

i don't know what to do and i feel so helpless. i just want my boyfriend to be okay, i don't want to go back to waiting weeks for him and crying every night, and i especially do not want him to be dead. all i can do is wait for him to text me if he's alright, and if he isn't, i don't know if i'll be able to stay clean. 

anyway, alcohol is my first option which may seem a little unhealthy but i just want to feel better because a day that might have been really good has been ruined for me because of this and i'm scared as FUCKKK so pray for my boyfriend and i yall...

also i've moved to tumblr under the username blakeisverygay so feel free to moot me on there.