i want to be so much more than this

12/09/24

It's colder than it oughta be, It's warmer where you're waiting 

it's not that there's nothing there. it's that what is there isn't something i want. I'm always afraid of being too much and not being enough. at least i know with you, that's not the case. it's much worse than that and I'm sorry

maybe in ten years I'll regret this but right now I'm not at the point in my life where it's worth feeling like this 

and i never usually cry 

do you really want the sugar pill?

All signs point to yes 

i had so much more to say about love and loss and life but I've chosen to forget 

words have lost meaning and sometimes he says things that i wish he wouldn't but he means well. 

i don't know if you ever meant well. 

i don't like the way you look down on me but i guess you'd say the same 

i used to like the way you look at me but now it feels like there's nothing to look at 

i am transparent 

or maybe I'm not there at all 'cause lately, that's what it's felt like 

there is no nighttime 

only a passing phase 

and I'll feel pretty 

another hour or two  

Masochism and Matrimony 

there's nothing stopping me 

i just know it's not right. she's been trying to convince me I'm not a bad person. i think she's right. I'd rather that than "you could have handled things better" 

i know 

it's too late to change things now though 

i will hold the past over your head 

i just want to give up 

I've already given up

I've shut down like i always do when he talks to me like that 

my chest isn't hollow but my body is cold

i know what it means 

i couldn't explain it to him but it's punishment for everything I've done and the person i am 

Dream a little dream of  me 

so next time you look at me, look through me 

trust me, it'll be easier 

trust me, it'll all be over soon 

I'm not saying anything cause that's enough for now 

but if i'm asking nicely, will you promise to do that for me?

hope you're all ok 

yours, miss misery