trans boy sees butch wolerine and realizes he doesn't have to be an overcompensating redneck to be a man

anyone else ever brainwash themself into strictly behaving like you're a cisgender man over the years nodding their head like uh huh yeah this is healthy and then see one (1) picture of butch lesbian wolverine and completely trip and fall into the realization that they don't actually have to hate and hide their body and their transness from themself? because now ive driven down crisis avenue full speed and i havent bound my chest in days and i feel fine. i feel way more confident and like my actual manly self more now that im not constantly worrying about if i look cis to cis men. because im not. im trans. and that's fine. holy shit.

does this mean im not a man? or am i more than a man? am i a woman? am i butch? can i even do that? jesus fkn christ. am i more than just a man. can i be butch and a man. because now that ive welcomed my afab-ness i feel reconnected with queers. who knew posing as allocishet for years would actually make you feel more closeted than when you didn't know what trans was. im really fixed on this butch idea. do i need to be lesbian? do i have to like feminine women to be lesbian? cause a lot of butches are men, cis and trans, and some butches prefer other butches and mascs. i really like butches and masculine people. do i qualify as a lesbian? how do i explain that i feel more real than ever as a trans man when i see butch trans man lesbians.

i dont want to subscribe to the idea that there are rules on gender too, cause that's exclusionary and stupid, but i am really worried about treading on other people. i know my 5 foot 2 inch scrawny ass isnt exactly a threat to butches anywhere just by asking a couple questions but it's fkn SCARY out here goddamn. not to mention there's still a ton of built-up internalized misogyny i have to deconstruct. ffffkuccucucckckckckkck.

still trying to even wrap my head around 'does being fine with my body mean im a woman?' because now that i've released my femininity from the cage of toxic and hyper masculinity i don't entirely dislike the concept. just mostly. and most of my issue is just about being feminine. i dont have to be a feminine woman. but i dont want to trick myself into thinking im a woman to serve some purpose.

i think i'm just reveling in it, and i need to give it a few days before i say anything concrete. this might just blow over, maybe my BPD is acting up. i hope not. i feel anxious but good. like i am free to move around in my own skin. but maybe im just a bit manic. or my dysphoria is just broken and not kicking in. either way i'll let it sit and see how it settles over the next few weeks. the idea that i can be this is insane. i have to be careful. i wish i could go to a queer bar. or talk to experienced adult butches. i wish i knew how to phrase this verbally so i can tell my friends about it. im very scared. im euphoric. theres a lot going on and i feel like something is going to jump out at me from a corner of my brain and kill me. okay i should probably stop here for now. jesus christ.

if you want to hate on me or drop ur thoughts feel free