The State of Human Connection

Thinking about a conversation I had with my mom and sister a while ago about a situation where I "joked" about having no friends to a couple of my coworkers (which I realize is a dck move, don't come after me) and one of them, presumably out of pity, invited me to go canoeing with him and some of his friends; ultimately, I rejected the invitation because I never want anyone to force themself hang out with me just because they feel bad (I didn't tell him the exact details, I just said no). They argued that I should have accepted because clearly he does like me in some capacity if he was willing to invite me to do something with him, but of course I said that's not going to hold up long-term if "liking" me is, in reality, simply not disliking me. They weren't convinced.

I've been told repeatedly that if I want friends, I need to settle. Settle for hypercasual. Settle for pity. Settle, even, for fake friendships with people I don't like for practice, like they don't also want (and deserve!) something real. But I'm not just looking for a way to pass the time, I'm looking for people who I like, and who like me, and who decide independently of my own solitude to be around me! I've had enough shallow conversations with people I've only talked to out of convenience for perhaps 100 lifetimes. I want something different now.

Supposedly, what I'm really looking for is a partner. Like you get one person who understands you, and it has to be romantic, or at the very least marriage-worthy, too. What a sad fcking way to look at things. And it's not even accurate, either, because I'm not looking for someone ~special~, I'm looking for someone I can send stupid memes at 3 in the morning and they won't be too annoyed by it because they also send me stupid memes at 3 in the morning.

I don't like that friendship is seen as disposable.

I'm sure I'm still the problem here but my point still stands