💜A rediscovered passion💜

Ever since I was a kid I not only loved reading. I loved writing. I loved being able to go to a place that was my own, that was special for just me through my own words. Somewhere only I was connected to, and it was my refuge. When I started my journey of college about 10 years ago (geez I feel old), I lost that piece of myself. I didn’t feel like me anymore. I couldn’t focus long enough to read a sentence, let alone write one. I didn’t feel like me anymore. I felt like a stranger to myself and it scared me. I knew something wasn’t right but I ignored the signs. I wrote it off as maybe I am just tired from being a theology student and having to write 10-20 page papers until my wrists developed pre-carpal tunnel. Maybe I’m just not interested in what I’m reading so that is why I would read a page in the library and not comprehend it at all because I heard someone talking about the dinner special at the campus caf. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth was discovered a little too late though after sentencing myself to procrastination HELL for about 4 years -__-. If only I would have known sooner. If only I had been more transparent with previous therapists about what was really going on in my mind and life. Maybe things could have been different. Could have been better for many years. I think of all of the years wasted. All of the great stories in books that I’ve missed out on. All of the stories that I wanted to start that lingered in my head but could never physically bring them to life through ink. All of the tears shed over reaching deadlines and making an acceptable grade in my classes. For so long I was pretty much drowning in a pool of regret and consequently, anger. Until about a month ago. Things actually took a turn for the better. 

I decided to pursue therapy again. And this time I am completely honest and transparent about what’s going on in my anxiety ridden mind. Because of that transparency, I was able to start over. I was able to get my life back. The one I was desperately looking for which made me feel like I was trapped in an endless fog for so long. I already knew that I had generalized anxiety and I’ve been taking medication for that for about 5 years now. But there was more to the story. I was diagnosed with adult ADHD. This whole time it was something that could have been helped and I didn’t even realize it. And I know that I can’t go backwards, as much as I want to. I can’t hop in a time machine and hope to carry what I know now with me to prevent so much stress in my life and relationships with others in my life. 

But what I can do now, which is a new thing for me, is to not live in the past. Because if you live in the past, you are throwing away bits of your future that you will never get back due to being so wrapped up in things that you can’t change. Will I always succeed in not having regrets? No. But a day like today made me realize how lucky and thankful I am for receiving my diagnosis. For having the opportunity that many others might not have in other places to get help and medication so that my brain can function at an acceptable level. Because today I read.

Today I read an entire chapter of my library science textbook (library science masters student in the house heyyyyy:) in under an hour. Let me say this again. Under.an.hour. That may not seem like much of a milestone to some, but to me it is everything. I haven’t been able to do that very simple task in about 5 years and today. I did it. And I haven’t felt so good and confident in my academic ability for so long until now. Maybe now I can get back to writing, one of the things I used to live for. Maybe I can get back to poetry too and songwriting too. I feel like I have finally made it back to ME after a very mentally and physically taxing journey. I’m finally home and there’s no place better 💜.