does it ever get better?

cw for serious topics !!

i didnt want to vent that much here but i have nowhere else to talk about since twitter's banned in my country..lol 

ok so, for a bit of context, I've been dealing with depression since I was approximately 10 years old. I don't even know how long I've been dealing with anxiety because I've been anxious for as long as I can remember. In 2020 I asked my mother for help, we went to a psychologist, psychiatrist, I took medication and I started to get better. and it worked, I spent years being well, it was even strange to see life in such a good way. Waking up excited for the day was something I didn't think would happen to me. my 10 year old self would find it ridiculous.

I got sober, I socialized, I changed schools, I improved my relationship with my parents and my brother. For me, life could be like that forever. Of course, there were still some problems, but I understood that that was part of life and I tried my best to face them.

now, August 2024, I have gotten worse. for no reason at all, I just got worse. I was still taking my medications, the psychiatrist was even thinking about reducing the dose because I was really getting better and, soon, I would stop taking the medication and go back to living like a normal person. but it went wrong. life became an obligation again, everything requires a lot of effort, I became more paranoid, more moody, more sad. I pushed almost all of my friends away, I don't even hang out with them that much anymore. I'm not eating right, I'm not drinking water properly and, let alone sleeping well. all I want now is to stay in my bed and forget that I have a life to live.

i mean, I've been through this before, it shouldn't be that difficult. 

I don't want to tell my mother or my therapist, I feel like a waste. a waste of money, time, effort. waste. years of treatment, so much money spent; all this for nothing. I can only wonder; Will this one day get better? Will this get better, like, definitely? Will I ever be able to live like someone normal? Or do i just have to accept that this is the reality of living in my mind, no matter how much I try to escape?

Am I trapped in it forever? am i doomed?????? I haven't believed in God since I was a child, for no specific reason, I just couldn't have faith (even tho i'm not that much of a rational person, i just found it hard to believe (i have no problem w those who have a religion, of course, this is my personal experience)). but now, at this moment, I really wanted to have faith, to see if I could get an answer, or something even remotely close to one. Any hint, any sign of something that answers my question. I just wanted to know if it gets better. if I can really get better. Is there no way? Is the only solution to die? 

I'm still a teenager, maybe there's still time, i don't know. i just want this to end, i just wanted to live normally.