Report Blog Entry
cw for serious topics !!
i didnt want to vent that much here but i have nowhere else to talk about since twitter's banned in my country..lol
ok so, for a bit of context, I've been dealing with depression since I was approximately 10 years old. I don't even know how long I've been dealing with anxiety because I've been anxious for as long as I can remember. In 2020 I asked my mother for help, we went to a psychologist, psychiatrist, I took medication and I started to get better. and it worked, I spent years being well, it was even strange to see life in such a good way. Waking up excited for the day was something I didn't think would happen to me. my 10 year old self would find it ridiculous.
I got sober, I socialized, I changed schools, I improved my relationship with my parents and my brother. For me, life could be like that forever. Of course, there were still some problems, but I understood that that was part of life and I tried my best to face them.
now, August 2024, I have gotten worse. for no reason at all, I just got worse. I was still taking my medications, the psychiatrist was even thinking about reducing the dose because I was really getting better and, soon, I would stop taking the medication and go back to living like a normal person. but it went wrong. life became an obligation again, everything requires a lot of effort, I became more paranoid, more moody, more sad. I pushed almost all of my friends away, I don't even hang out with them that much anymore. I'm not eating right, I'm not drinking water properly and, let alone sleeping well. all I want now is to stay in my bed and forget that I have a life to live.
i mean, I've been through this before, it shouldn't be that difficult.
I don't want to tell my mother or my therapist, I feel like a waste. a waste of money, time, effort. waste. years of treatment, so much money spent; all this for nothing. I can only wonder; Will this one day get better? Will this get better, like, definitely? Will I ever be able to live like someone normal? Or do i just have to accept that this is the reality of living in my mind, no matter how much I try to escape?
Am I trapped in it forever? am i doomed?????? I haven't believed in God since I was a child, for no specific reason, I just couldn't have faith (even tho i'm not that much of a rational person, i just found it hard to believe (i have no problem w those who have a religion, of course, this is my personal experience)). but now, at this moment, I really wanted to have faith, to see if I could get an answer, or something even remotely close to one. Any hint, any sign of something that answers my question. I just wanted to know if it gets better. if I can really get better. Is there no way? Is the only solution to die?
I'm still a teenager, maybe there's still time, i don't know. i just want this to end, i just wanted to live normally.
Comments
Displaying 1 of 1 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
Michael
I'm sorry you're going through that, I hope you start getting better soon.
I get those 'downhill' moments too. For me, they are kind of temporary.
I suppose what you have to do is continue taking care of yourself, regardless of what state you are in. Eat healthily, hydrate yourself, take daily showers and brush your teeth. Go outside at least once per day, take some fresh air. Journal too, it helps with expressing your emotions. Don't waste time on scrolling on the internet mindlessly, do things that make you happy.
Do all that even when you don't feel like doing. At the end, you'll feel proud of yourself that you at least took care of yourself. Life doesn't end here, it only ends in your mind if you think about it negatively, and that shouldn't be permanent. Life has it's bumps, it's not worth neglecting yourself or ending your life when life is so wonderful.
tysm !!^^ ill try to follow this. its difficult for me and requires a lot of effort in situations like these but I will try my best !! :)
by viktor; ; Report