Solace in solidarity

10/9/2024
When the thing I want so badly to work is crumbling beneath me, sometimes all I can do is take a step back and let it go. Biting the hand you think feeds you can be difficult for anyone, but sometimes you find that hand was poisoning you all along.

Meeting the person that listens, the person that looks and the person that waits can feel like an impossible task. Managing to line up a difficult conversation with meeting this person is like the stars are aligning. Everything snaps into place with practiced precision. When you feel like you are about to fall through the floor and they cling to your shoulders because they just know, all you can do is close your eyes and relax, shrink and curl in. Let yourself be small, let yourself be held. The world will wait for you, it will not accelerate just when you need a break. Taking things at your own pace can feel almost as intense as taking it at someone elses. Deadlines and due dates and things that yell at you to hurry, and yet you can't. Let yourself sleep, have a glass of water, God knows you need one.

Nothing makes me feel stupider than admitting that caring for myself actually improves myself, and that in and of itself is dumb to admit. When I get 9 hours of sleep and a few hours of sun, my skin glows and I can smile. I hate admitting that when I'm anxious deep breathing calms me. I hate that putting my phone down makes my tired eyes feel better.

I will refocus on what I need. It is not manifesting; I am making this happen, I am working and working and working. I will get there even if I take one or two or eight rest breaks because even athletes have rest days, even mathematicians will look at art once in a while. Change is good and change is here and I am ready for it.