Entry 19 || August

This blog was bound to happen anyway.

I just don't know what took so long.

Maybe because everything’s been buried in the back of my mind and only took now as an opportunity to drag me with them into the dirt.

It was August.

11? 12? 13?

Well it was a weekend.

I was having the time of my life in a sleepover with my two closest people.

People I loved dearly and held close to my heart.

I remember us rolling around her bedroom floor from laughing so much from our usual antics.

I'd always feel free around the two of them. Free from life's dramatic problems.

Little did I know that the morning after would only be the start of it.

I couldn't believe it.

I was back at home from the sleepover and the moment I saw the flood of messages from her, I just knew I had to check his family's facebook accounts.

"Please don't tell me it's true"

And it was true.

The night we were having the time of our lives was the same night he had ended his own.

It felt poetic in a way.

I couldn't even process it.

All the information I only had was from his sister's relatives commenting under her post.

"Condolences"

I remember her begging me to come back to her house because her parents were overwhelmingly bombarding her with questions.

I remember coming into her bedroom with the lights off. She was on bed with her blanket covering her whole body.

I felt helpless being unable to say anything remotely helpful, but that night was a blur for me too.

We had classes the next day.

The silence was eerie.

But the eyes around us made it a whole lot worse.

She doesn't know this

at least, not entirely

but he told me a lot of things.

I was pretty much their mediator.

Middleman, one might say.

He and I did a lot of things for her that she probably doesn't know and never will.

I did a lot of things for him that she probably doesn't know and never will.

He did a lot of things for us that I didn't know, only for me to find out about it months after the incident.

Knowing the situation on both sides felt like I was being pulled in opposite directions, only to be completely ripped in half and left to bleed out.

It just sure felt that way.

I don't think she knows that.

I don't think she sees that.

She shouldn't.

But at the end of the day, it's my fault for not saying a single word.

I just wanted her to heal at peace without having to deal with me.

That backfired really bad I guess.

But as long as she's finding people who can help her better than I possibly could have,