I asked God for friends that show up or mental stability

8/9/24
I got neither, and a slap on the wrist for even thinking I deserve something so beyond me. The thought is laughable.

There are few things worse than the feeling of someone you love being absent when you explicitly asked for them. Maybe it's the time of year, or maybe its the people I put my time into, but something has changed and people are staying away. It's hard. My friend and I had plans and she suddenly pulled out. I know it wasn't her fault, but even accidents still hurt. Maybe if she were a "perfect" friend, or my mental health was "normal" I would be okay with this. But she's not, its not, and I wasn't. At these times, I allow myself a little instability, a little irrationality. I sink into my skin deeper than before, count the stripes in my vision and think.

I'm sorry I struggle to forgive you for these things, when I would forgive you in a heartbeat if you cut my hands off, stapled my mouth closed and harvested my organs. I know that's backwards and I know you like that. I'm strong but I'm not that strong, and I think if you asked the way you do, where your mouth angles into a smirk, showing off your laugh lines, and your voice lilts ever so softly, I'd say yes to anything you asked of me.

Each day I think I'm stronger than before and I need to remind myself sometimes that it's true. I grow and learn and change. But when something happens and a friend cancels on me, I remember I'm the same person I always have been. Maybe that's okay.