cringe

For the past week I think ive gotten a collcetive of maybe ten hours of sleep over 7 days. I dont really know whats happening to me, i dont reconize myself in the mirror and i spend all day in my room again. I was like this bad when I was 11-16 but i always considered that the worst of it i guess? i struggle to even believe that i still struggle with mental health. When I got my first job and my mental stuff wasn't the biggest thing in my life anymore i thought i got better, i thought i was fixed. i feel like i should be fixed. i mean im 20 now. ive got to get my life together, even when ppl say "oh you still have time" or whatever i really dont feel like it. all of my sisters have familys, my oldest sister is 25 with two kids a husband and her own home. my youngest sister just gave birth + engaged and my middle sister is pregnant. My oldest brother has his own life going on and I havent heard from him in years, but he travels and has friends. I am 20 years old. living with my grandmother and in my room 24/7. I have zero life achievements while all of my siblings have real lives. I dont feel like im living. and I'm too broke to just go out and "start living." But even then i dont have any friends here. I moved six hours way after my ex left me, he was my only friend. so much of my life has revolved around him. We have known each other for 9 years this year. How do i just move past that. i shouldn't complain. we still talk. its just different now. he has a boyfriend now and we are just friends. and im not even in love with him anymore, in fact thinking of him in terms of getting back together makes me physically repulsed. I hate him honestly, not fully i think, and there are days where when he texts me i try to ignore it because i feel better when he doesnt talk to me. but then i have those days where i dont want to talk to anyone but him, and honestly i dont even know why i have those days. he doesnt make me feel better, hes just someone who will talk to me. occasionally. only if he has time really. it takes him an hour minimum to respond anymore, and despite him saying that i can "always vent to him abt things" he never responds to them. hes alwyas been like that though i guess. even when we were together. it takes him weeks or months to respond to things. so ive just sopped tlaking to him altogether about my emotions. like the other day, my stalker showed up to my work despite the fact she lives 6 hours away, its a long story but i texted him out of instint because i was losing my mind freaked out and he didnt say anything. he responded with small things "are you okay?" "how did she find you?" "did your family tell her where you are?" which was really fucking funny coming from a guy who hates people talking about his family but will openly accuse mine of things like that. after a while he just stopped responding, and when i asked him if he was mad at me for talking about it he pulled the thing he does every single time i talk to him "i didnt know what to say and i dont want to say the wrong thing" yet when hes upset, i have to comfort him for hours, call hm, play games with him. if i dont respond almost instatnly he shuts down and gets mad. i dont know why i said "have to" i do it willingly. at the end of the day i know that he doesnt and wont care about me as much as i do him. at least not in that way. i feel like my life is already over and that ive wasted every second of it and the longer i sit and rot in this room the closer death is, yet i cant bring myself to move. i hate all of this i hate my brain and i should be better by now and im so angry that im not