odd feelings (Derogatory)

i've really got nowhere else to put these thoughts so i'm just gonna make it easier for myself and believe it won't get much attention here. super whatever idc idc idc!!!!!!!!!

sometimes i feel like a spectator, like i don't really have a place in anything around me. things that apply to others don't apply to me, because i'm not really here, i'm just a witness. a viewer of everyone else's stories, i can't take on a major role because that's just not my job. it's not in my skill set. i can't be in other people's thoughts, i can't be loved like they can, i can't exist beyond my designated screen time in other people's eyes.

it doesn't make sense, because i know i'm a real person. i know i have my own life outside of everyone else, and that should mean something, but does it really? who cares? i don't think i care enough, i think i'm looking for others to care so i feel more obligated to. but that's not how life works, i can't depend my self worth on whether or not anyone else gives a damn?? especially when i refuse to believe it when they say they do!!!! it doesn't work!!! something isn't clicking!!!! 

none of that should even matter. i should be my biggest supporter, my own priority. i shouldn't need anyone else to want me around. maybe i don't even want to be around. maybe i shouldn't be. it'd certainly be easier if i didn't have anything to fall back on, because then i'd HAVE to be my own support, and nothing could tell me that i'm lying or i don't care enough. it'd just be ME. 

but i don't like being alone. so what now.

it's odd. i feel like i'll never be things i've already been before. i'll never be held by a lover, i'll never feel fully at ease in another person's company alone, i'll never know what it's like to be wanted and kept and sought out in a room full of others. but i've had all of that before, so what's my problem? why am i refusing myself these things before i've even considered that they could be real again? 

i want to be real. i want to be loved, i want to feel safe and supported and important like a real person. i wish i could convince myself that i am. 

(was gonna be a bulletin so it'd disappear eventually, but i decided to make it a blog because maybe i should keep it documented actually. maybe i can convince myself, maybe i'll look back on this one day and think about how dumb i used to be. and i've got other stuff to talk about too, so i guess it's all one big post now?)

aghhh all of the weird self deprecating stuff aside, i wanna talk about my day, and other better topics. i have this friend, that i probably shouldn't name, who messaged me today, after a month and then some of not talking. i appreciated it honestly, and i think if i spoke to her more often i'd feel less awkward about normal things like "how have you been" and stuff like that. i both love and hate having to catch up, because i like hearing about her events, but i hate having to come up with something to say about myself that isn't about something i watched or played or bought that i thought was interesting. why's it so hard to talk about me as a person, rather than my interests??

speaking of my interests though, i really wish i had friends with common interests. the name "regulus" means nothing to any of the people i know, but it means EVERYTHING to me, and it sucks!!! i wanna talk to someone who's read crimson rivers and shares my passions, also maybe has other shared interests because being real an entire fandom of fanmade content can only get you so far :[ 

i should make a post to advertise myself. hi my name is regulus, i am THE regulus black from ao3 and other social medias, trust me! not that "harry potter" shit though idk who the fuck that is... smth smth "marauders" smth ... ?? (sirius if ur out there i miss u. come home) Who Said That,

um anyway? this has gotten pretty long, my bad. i wasn't planning on doing a blog to begin with but suddenly here it was, welcome to reg nation. i'm debating actually posting this now that i've briefly looked over it and realized how openly emotional it all is but uh oh there it goes being published anyway LOOKOUT!!!!!!!!!