Weaving my place on the internet web and other ramblings - 2024-09-07

I'll admit I have been saturated in consumerism and escapism for a lot of my formative life and have also been very out of it... Let's just say I've disassociated enough that time will never feel real anymore. Sometimes I feel like I can control my perception of it, almost fast forwarding through work shifts or ... maybe I've just fast-forwarded and replayed far too many moments. Never quite embarking on the glorious present. 

My internet endeavors have mostly been within the realm of mainstream application use, besides the early and lawless internet surfing days. I've mostly accessed things pretty casually and with a capped curiosity, somehow preventing myself to indulge further due being confined to the rigid boundaries in my mind. Never confined enough to not seek out the shameful, sinful stuff either, but I think that was just a natural inclination to defy. After all, I was raised Catholic (but I'm also an Aquarius) and identified as such up until I was about 12/13. I stopped believing in Catholicism and God at Disneyland on It's a Small World... 

I was a lot more creative in my early adolescence, and now after some frontal lobe development, I find myself returning to that side of me. I don't want to spend anymore time shaming or berating my younger self as that child certainly went through a lot. The least I can do is give myself grace at all the ages I expressed myself. I have berated many versions of myself throughout time, and I would like to revisit those memories of myself with a softer and more compassionate lens, as I also believe I was a pretty cool kid! 

There is an anticipation and relentless desperation bubbling up inside me to create and to embody the artist I've always wanted to be. So I've downloaded Blender... I'm taking a stab at programming and designing my neocities website... finishing my podcast. I will express myself in every way I wish to. 

It's a hopeful step ahead, and it's an urgent calling. I'm tired of immersing myself into the theatrics of endless war -in society and family- and insatiable narcissism... I want to co-create a world where love and liberation reign. I want to see a world where Palestine, Sudan, Congo... and all colonized people are freed. The reclamation of the internet and insistent archival of all things creative and true... that is the space I want to be in. 

So it'll be interesting to see how this website turns out and how I can express myself through the medium of computer language. I'm determined to translate and transmute myself in all areas possible.