Self-identity Crisis & Living

I just read my other blog entries, and boy oh boy they are very ... let's just say kind of edgy. So, I have almost 17? days left before I turn 20. It's crazy that I got this far in my years of living. Sometimes I still think to myself if I am actually living. I've been having a lot of dilemmas and fomos here and there, but if I disappear completely in my other socials, I will know who actually genuinely cares. I at least think so.

I have an amazing boyfriend. He treats me very well. I have great and talented friends. They teach me new things that I have not discovered before on my own. I have supportive parents. They reassured me to just choose a path of what makes me happy; but I still get sad about that because I don't know if I am choosing the right one... They aren't getting any younger, so I am scared because I might not be growing as an adult that I should be. I just hope I show up for myself in situations that are important no matter what. A lot of things still scare me. But I hope I muster up enough courage to do things even when I am fearful. My traumatic experiences still bother me. But I'm glad even though I get annoying talking about them, people I love still chooses to listen and remind me of the important things in the bigger picture. I guess life is not that bad... I should be considering myself as a lucky girl. But still, I can't help but feel very sad and lonely when I am by myself. I do enjoy my own company. But I do not like the dark thoughts I have... I'm happy that my boyfriend is willing to call me at night so I can sleep. Just lately, I can't sleep a wink unless I force myself to and realize it's morning.

I'm not sure if I want to continue doing YouTube but I think it'll be fun. I just need to at least make reachable and attainable goals when I upload. If ever I have future kids, I hope they don't get picked on at school... But of course, if they do, I'll confront those bullies! But I hope I could be the best mom at least... At the same time though, I am scared of having children. The labor and the parenting skills that I need to learn to raise a child is a bit complex. But I will love them with my whole heart.

I'll be graduating soon enough in my sophomore year... I haven't joined in orgs yet fulfilling roles. I hope I get to at least experience something so I can add into my resume. My self-esteem has become pretty terrible. I blame myself a lot for it. But at the same time, I shouldn't just blame myself... I'm still in the first semester of my sophomore year. I hope I get to continue to recover and heal. It sucks that it's gonna be a lifelong journey of healing and breaking, but I hope to see through it all. Until then.

Sincerely,
Chai