Life.

HEAVY VENT!! (I'm only posting this for my own peace of mind if you're sensitive to heavy topics please don't read this <3)

today me and my mom got into an argument and she's very mentally ill, so she responded in a really scary way. I've dealt with her mental illness since I was 7 (I'm 15 now :3) she recently did something really bad during a psychotic break (a little over a year ago) and she's been in and out of mental hospitals. She recently got out of a mental hospital after a 6 month stay. I now live with her basically,, I hate it here a lot. We fight every day without fail. It's like the past again and I'm trying so so so hard to run away from it. Back to what happened today, she freaked out because I was giving her a hard time which I admit I really was. She ended up telling me about her past which is very traumatic and goes along the lines of human trafficking. She used to do this when I was really young up until I was around 13. It was a huge trigger for me, so I ended up freaking out and she started yelling again and locked herself in a room with a duffle bag filled with pill bottles (with pills). I freaked out and called my dad and he comforted her (on the phone) while I was terrified because of what had just happened. I ended up running off which I've done once before, and I was just running until I couldn't feel the emotions I was feeling. I ended up behind people's houses and I got scared once I realized what I was doing I knew I couldn't go back home though because it would've been even worse. I ended up walking around a lot until some drunk college people cat called me and made remarks about my body while driving by. I'm very short (4'11) so they obviously could tell I was a kid, and I was wearing pjs, but my shirt was a little low cut, so they saw that. I ran back home and was really upset and called my dad and he just brushed it off and asked if we could talk about everything tomorrow. I don't want to live this life anymore I'm so tired of this shit. I want to end my life so badly, but I want to help people and learn things and grow as a person so I'm holding back on it even though I sometimes don't even have control over what my body does. It's terrifying but it's what life is. I know I've been failed by so many, but I know I've also failed people, and I need to get better, so I treat others better. I want to help others instead of hurting myself. I want to give people advice and stick by them when they need it most and even when they don't. I started this blog thing because of that. I've been through a lot, but I know others have too and I want them to know I hear them and I'm here for them. I want to make good out of bad. I will succeed in that.

IF YOU DIDNT WANT TO HEAR THE VENT JUST READ BELOW!!!! 

I'm not going to sit here and say it's going to get better because I can't promise that but for anyone who's reading this, I am so so sooo proud of you. I will help you in any way I can. I will stick by you during your worst and your best. I love you; I hear you, I'm here.

- vii