AYLA <3 / music projects

While I may blog and write, I am also a singer-songwriter and a performer under the stage name ayla <3. I will update you on my releases and various other projects here.

I’m also going to write behind the scenes essays (for songs that would benefit from them) and maybe share info you never would’ve thought about a particular songs.

OFFICAL RELEASES

Close My Eyes – RELEASED ON ALL STREAMING PLATFORMS ON 5/26/2024 

UNOFFICAL SOUNDCLOUD RELEASES (DEMOS AND COVERS)

Baka Mitai

RELEASED 6/4/2024 ON SOUNDCLOUD. I love this song so much, thank god the meme introduced me to this gem and later the yakuza games themselves.

RELEASED 5/20/2024 ON SOUNDCLOUD. An original of mine that I really went raw on. Most of the songs I post on soundcloud aren’t fully mastered or perfect and that’s fine by me. It’s more of a drawing board where I bounce ideas and experiment with my vocals. I went for more a whispery tone here reminiscent of someone like Nicole Dollanganger. This song is about multiple different ideas but mainly about being groomed from a young age which grows into a feeling of never being able to connect in relationships as an adult. Lyrics like “You can crush my spirit tonight, but anything won’t make it right” or “Don’t tell me I was naïve, because I know what happened to me” hit on the grooming being something you can be aware of but not fully comprehend the gravity of it as you are young. It also touches on wanting to appease the groomer and the inability to function alongside the rest of society due to their actions. Eventually the song ends with “I was old enough to understand… why you left me.” This is a double sided statement. “I was old enough” meaning I am now older and now a person you can no longer fantasize about having anymore. I am no longer young and innocent and you’ve left to find a new victim. It also means that the protagonist of this story understands why the people they fall for leave them. After years of grooming and the isolation that comes with it, their sense of self is damaged and it’s hard to connect with others because of it. This song is about a tragedy. It’s a very personal song to me as I was groomed and abused at a young age. Part of becoming a NEET was my CSA making it hard for me to even participate in a single conversation without tuning out the world. But I guess now I’m old enough to understand that I can do better for myself. I have to create my own connections and not let them wither. That’s my responsibility.

RELEASED 5/27/2024 ON SOUNDCLOUD. Another original song based on one of my favorite anime characters of all time, Asuka Langley Soryu from Neon Genesis Evangelion. I envisioned this song being a lament of what could’ve been between her and Shinji specifically in the end of the TV series and in the The End Of Evangelion movie. Here is the full lyrics to the song and we’ll break them down after.

Cause I’ve been feeling real low… and too high
あなたは私を愛していると言った [You said you loved me]
気持ち が 冷めて しまった。[It made me feel cold]
幸せに する 事 が できなくて ごめん ね。[I’m sorry that I couldn’t make you happy]
今 和 あなた が 大嫌いです [I just hate you now]
Yeah you guessed it right? Yeah you guessed it right.

Cause I’ve been feeling ugly
Same stupid love, yeah its getting boring
I wanna remove your heart
Take it to the start
When we never had to play this part
サヨナラ も 言えず に [Without even being able to say goodbye]
はい、 ワタシ 和 一人です [Yes, It appears I’m all alone]
あなた しか 以内 の よ？ [Are you the only one within my range?]
私 人形 みたい [Look at me, I look like a doll]

伝えたい この 思い [This feeling that I want to convey]
I’m tired, if it burns – let it be
Just let me fall into the red sea
Just let me go and leave me here to bleed
And I can’t forgive you for this
You threw it all away just for a single kiss
I hope hell is worth the fucking bliss
I wish I could say you weren’t missed
But you are missed

This song is spilt into three sections and the bilingual nature is meant to prove a certain point. From the perspective of Asuka in this song, the Japanese sections are her thoughts she is too afraid to speak out loud. The English sections are her thoughts she is speaking out loud to Shinji. This changes in the third section where the lyrics 伝えたい この 思い [This feeling that I want to convey] are sung and it’s the floodgate to the final section where her true thoughts are conveyed aloud. In the beginning she describes her apathy in the lyrics Cause I’ve been feeling real low… and too high. It then begins the first section almost entirely in Japanese. She describes how the feeling of being near Shinji only made her more aware of her own self pity and self loathing. Even when she had good times and felt love in his words, all she could do was push him away. The line [I’m sorry that I couldn’t make you happy] followed by [I just hate you now] Yeah you guessed it right? Yeah you guessed it right. describes even more guilt on her part. She’s taunting him at the end to get more of a reaction for her actions so that her guilt feels self justified.

In the second section, she starts in English and talks about how this love she feels is stupid and boring (which is also a nod to my song Old Enough To Understand which I also feels suits Asuka well) and how she wishes she had never felt these feelings in the first place. And then – almost if her feelings are becoming too apparent – she switches back to Japanese. These lines describe her downward spiral towards the end of the series. [Without even being able to say goodbye] and [Yes, It appears I’m all alone] are lines where she accepts that she has left everything behind and is basically letting herself rot. [Are you the only one within my range?] references her connections to Rei and Shinji where she wonders if they are the closest beings to understanding her as they all pilot an Eva. [Look at me, I look like a doll] is a soul crushing statement given her character. It’s everything she hates and does not want to be and yet, she is seeing herself as that. It’s a kind of ego death.

In the third section, she finally cannot contain her thoughts anymore and says [This feeling that I want to convey]. She then proceeds to vent and says I’m tired, if it burns – let it be. Just let me fall into the red sea. Just let me go and leave me here to bleed. She is saying to just let her go and let her fall into the inhabitable waters of their world. And I can’t forgive you for this.
You threw it all away just for a single kiss. are two lines where she lashes out at Shinji in particular. Why did Shinji want to let everything go? Why did he “kiss” Rei/Kaworu? Why wasn’t it all enough? I hope hell is worth the fucking bliss. She hopes that he will be happy in this apocalypse he’s made for himself. In a way she means this genuinely but this is also mean to be spiteful. The last two lines I wish I could say you weren’t missed. But you are missed. is the culmination of losing someone you pushed away. Wishing that that person wasn’t such a big influence on your life. Maybe not even realizing that until they were gone. It’s goodbye to everything and everyone. It’s also a claim that she is herself and this is who she is. It’s… as Asuka would say…
“How Disgusting.”