I feel fucking sick

First off long time no see lol. It's been about two years since I was last here and oh my fucking god did so much shit happen. Anyways time for some heavy hitters with absolutely no explanation. 

Sometimes I look at the choices I've made in the past and wonder if they were the right moves. My friends are in college; one of them works AND goes to school and the other is out the city for school. And then there's me. It's not like I don't do anything, I just feel like I'm doing too much and not enough all at the same time. All I do is go to work, and then when I'm not at work I'm at home "working on music". Not that it's a lie or anything it just sometimes feel like I'm bullshitting myself. I mean come on, everyone in my family tree whose ever done music either almost made it or died trying. And I don't want that. I don't want to be a failure, and prove everyone right. That I couldn't do it. That I wasted my time. That I should've gone to school and dropped music for something real instead. But I can't, every time I think about my future it pertains to music. Being on stage and shit. Not in nursing, business marketing, real estate or anything of that matter. I just feel so lost sometimes and feel like I need to be told what to do step by step. But that doesn't exist for me, not when I turn 20 5-ish weeks. NOOO. Now I'm a big girl who gets to figure it all out for herself with only "Suggestions" from every nigga here to kingdom-fucking-come. This shit ain't for the weak. So yea I feel a little(lot) shitty when I see my two besties moving around and going after what they want, living the "young 20's" dream for the most part.

Anyways I just needed to get some of that off my chest, not that it helped much. I just don't wanna make my friends feel bad or some shit. For my own stressed out feelings. Or whatever the hell this is.