blog # 5 - groupie girlhood (aka weekend recap)

"groupie girlhood" is the term me and alyssa (fav coworker) coined on the four hour drive out of state on saturday.

friday afternoon, we both had the day off so we decided to go see a band i like at sos fest in port orchard. i'd seen them twice now (first time in july at the chuck, second time a few weeks before sos fest at real art w alyssa) and i never wanna miss their shows. besides the fact that they're really fucking good (and they give me their set lists n sign em every time), i'd been talking to their bassist. more on that in a sec.

anyway, we had a good time at sos fest and talked with the band for a bit. after, their bassist (we'll call him d for the sake of the story) texts me and says "it would be cool if u guys could come to portland." (they played in portland the next night). we had originally decided we weren't gonna go, because we both had work at 6 am both saturday and sunday, and we're broke lol. plus our families would crucify us. but i kept talking to d and it was obvious he rly wanted us to go. he even said he wished he'd just taken us with them on their bus.

it was then, laying in the grass at south kitsap regional park in 90 billion degree weather, that alyssa and i decided to do something dumb. "we can always get new jobs. we can't always follow bands on tour on an invite." we spent the rest of the night 1. finding coverage for our sunday shifts 2. finding a hotel (one that would let us check in at 19, bc in most places you have to be 21) and 3. figuring out how to pull this off without getting caught. because, sure, we're legal adults and all, but if my dad or alyssa's aunt found out we were crossing state lines for a band we'd be dead in a heartbeat. so so so dead.

the next day, we clocked off at 2 pm, and i dropped alyssa off at home like usual with the plan in motion: i'd be back to get her at 4 pm, then it's gas, then it's 200 miles of i5 south. we were a little late (my fault) but got on the road at 4:30, with a 7:30ish arrival time in portland, leaving just enough time to check in to the hotel and for me to get ready for the 8:20 show. my dad (on a business trip) thought i was at home, and alyssa's aunt thought she was at my house. 

two and a half hours in, we got a speeding ticket (oops) in kelso which set us back a few minutes. d heard about it and texted alyssa to check in, asking her to please tell me that he was wrong about the time and they were actually on at SEVEN FIFTY. 7:50 pm, aka 40 minutes from then, aka 30 minutes too early. i was still in pajamas. we were still in washington.

we hauled ass (legally) to portland, where we parked, i changed and got my makeup done in the car (sorry for the unavoidable flashing, citizens of killingsworth street) and we made it into the show at 7:52, two minutes into sound check. like a fucking glove baby. i wish i could say i wasn't embarrassed walking into the venue, but i was --  i quickly realized that only d knew we were coming, and he was very very strict about the guys not knowing we talk at all***, so there was a chance that the other three would see us and think "oh god we have stalkers."

fortunately though, they didn't think that. at least not as far as i know. when talking with them, they all had the same opening line, which was some version of "dude i can't believe you guys made the drive out here, that's so cool", to which i said "oh yeah, there was nothing to do in poulsbo so we figured we'd have a little weekend trip." what i really wanted to say was that d semi insisted, but again, i've been coerced into a snapchat nda. so alas, we were bored and decided to state-hop.

later, i was standing outside the venue with alyssa when b (lead singer) came out. he said something about it being way warmer outside than inside, and then came over to talk to me. we got to talking about the drive, about bellingham (where i go to college), about the scene there, about why i collect setlists, and about our mutual love of taking back sunday (fun fact: we both saw them when they opened for mcr in tacoma, and we were both disappointed at how shitty they were live). i saw b a few more times during the night, and each time i felt weird. then, when me and alyssa were looking at our setlists, i realized a potential reason: b had signed the last two of my setlists with a heart by his initials. he didn't sign alyssa's like that. weird. i wish i could ask him why he does that.

now comes the brief interlude where i stop recapping the weekend and start overanalyzing all my interactions:

- d messaged me on instagram after i followed the band page (all 4 guys follow me, b was first) and then asked for my snap and we started talking

- he told me saturday morning that the rest of the band didn't know that him and i talked and that i shouldn't tell them (???)

- saturday night after the show, d tried to convince me to come to his hotel

- then the conversation got weirdly vulnerable and he told me about how he feels like he's the least desirable or interesting member of the band, and how he gets the least attention which made me rly sad

- THEN the conversation got remarkably horny on his end and he convinced/begged/harassed me to send him pics of the bikini i brought for the hotel pool, and talked about the mini skirt i wore to the show and how distracting it was to him on stage

- d is also the only member of the band that virtually never talks to me at shows. in portland we had one short conversation and we waved goodbye to me through the venue window, and that's literally the full extent of our in-person interactions

anyways i was laying those out there to preface this confession, which i am fully aware may make me look like bitch of the century: i don't think i'm into d at all. which is horrible. if i'm honest, the only reason i have anything going on with d is because he initiated it. i think he's moderately cute, talented and nice to talk to, but i just don't feel anything with him. i can't say i feel anything with b either, because we literally don't talk besides at shows and i don't think he's into me at all, but i definitely have a little schoolkid crush on him, which is juvenile and embarrassing, but whatever. it doesn't really matter, because he's like 27 and i'm 19 and i guarantee he views me like a toddler, but it's fun to imagine that somewhere someone out there would be into me. i know the signatures and hearts and conversations are him being friendly, but it's comforting to pretend they mean someone wants me. i don't know. if i'm so desperate for someone to love me, why not d? he's only 4 or 5 years older than me and clearly wants me for something (sex or love i don't know). why am i so put off by him? is it because he's trying to guilt me into gratifying him sexually without even caring to know me first (indicating that A) he wasn't interested in me as a human being, just a thig he wants to fuck, and B) he's so insecure that he won't even try to create a connection and see if i would be attracte to him naturally, he immediately assumes i'd only give him what he wants if i felt evil for not doing it)? can i even be mad at him for doing what every man does? 

well, b doesn't do that. maybe that's because b doesn't want me like that. god, everywhere you look i'm a loser.

but now i'm sort of stuck. i didn't think things would escalate between me and d like that in portland, but i just don't see us as anything more than friends. i don't really know what to do now though, because he told me all about how insecure he is and if i stopped talking to him, i'd basically be reaffirming those insecurities. ESPECIALLY if i dropped him while having a childlike crush on his bandmate. talk about evil. but what can i do? i don't want to be stuck in something i don't want. i also don't like that it's this big secret that we talk. why is it such a big deal? is he ashamed of it or something? am i embarrassing him? is the idea of being with me embarrassing him? why do i care?

idk. i wish it were simpler. i wish i could just go see their band, say hi, shoot the shit, get a setlist and some signatures and go home. i don't wanna be sending d bikini pictures and getting ignored in public. i just wanna see the band i adore, have my schoolgirl crush, and feel really cool in the crowd bc the band knows who i am. i just want it to be simple and fun.

anyways, back to our regularly scheduled weekend recap:

the next morning, we woke up in portland and had a brief freak out because oh my god, we were in OREGON, and oh my god, our parents don't know where we are, and oh my god we're groupies, and you know what they say about groupies. then, we checked out of the hotel, got coffee, and went shopping in this giant mall. it had an ICE SKATING RINK INSIDE. if you know me, you know i love hockey, so naturally i love ice skating too. me and alyssa had a ton of fun and spent way too much money. eventually though, it was 4 pm and we were still in the wrong state. my dad was coming home early and fully expected me to be there. we got gas, got mcdonalds, and hit the road again for 200 more miles of i5. we stopped by my house in belfair to say hi to my mom, but she was off on one of her adventures with her new boyfriend (return date: unknown) so we carried on to poulsbo. then we stopped at the fast food place we both worked at to steal food and tell our coworkers about our grand adventure. then i dropped alyssa back at home (saying a tragic goodbye until work the next day) and i made it back to my dad's house by 10 pm, with the excuse that i was at alyssas. it went off without a hitch. 

well, until my dad figures out there's a 200$ speeding ticket for my car (on his insurance) issued in cowlitz county, which is nearly 200 miles from where i said i was. not sure how i'll talk my way out of that one, but that's a problem for future me.

this weekend was a harsh reminder that life can suck. both me and alyssa's entire lives right now consist of working our dead-end jobs, crying over boys who treat us like shit, and stressing about affording our impending sophomore years of college. it's mundane. it's platitudinal. it's miserable. 

but portland wasn't. 

maybe one day, we'll need the mundane and the platitudes, but that day isn't here yet. last weekend we realized that we're 19, not 90, and things like this are what keep us alive. we need the mosh pit bruises and car makeup and roar of guitars. we need the adrenaline of sneaking out and eye contact with the guy on stage. we need shitty hotels, setlists and the soundchecks. the life we live is thick and heavy and seeps right through us. it fills the space inside our ribs and drowns out any sign of life in the place. most days we can't feel our own pulse. we need to feel the kick drum through the floor instead.

i don't know what will happen with d. i don't know if b will ever even see me that way. i don't even really care anymore. all i know is that i have never felt happier than i did that weekend, and that i'm really fucking grateful to get to live through groupie girlhood.