September 3rd? 2nd?

I have to finish a book (halfway through) by September 4th. Since it’s 12:09 when I write this part, that’s tomorrow. But I also have a shift today. So I don’t have much time at all. I’m very scared for school. I’ve had no time to shop so I have no new outfits to wear the first week, and I don’t have my work done. I feel like I’m drowning and I haven’t even started. I’d like to stop drowning one of these days. There’s always an ocean, no matter where I go. That’s why I don’t care if I go to college in a landlocked state. There’s no way to stop swimming, no matter how far away you are. My whole life is treading water. There are times where my head is above the surface, but every time it happens I know an even bigger wave is coming. 

I keep saying I don’t care about anything anymore, but I can’t give up swimming. I don’t know why, but I can’t just let my life fall apart. I think once I get to college that’ll be the last straw. Once I have nothing else to work towards, I think the waves will get to me. 

Sometimes I’m really quite okay with myself, and then I see just one thing I’m covering up my mirrors again. I wish I were little enough to pick up. I wish someone liked me enough to want to pick me up. I think one day I’ll find someone who really does like me, but I’m scared I won’t like myself enough to be okay with that. I know I have to love myself before anyone will love me, but I don’t ever see myself loving who I am. I think enough people have hated me to keep me from that forever. I don’t know. I still have homework to finish. Maybe I’ll make another post later. I don’t know. 

Bye, Kitty