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TW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF HARM.written: 09.02.24
For the past years, since i was 10-12 i have had depression, and throughout middleschool things were hard because of constant bullying younger me went through for not knowing english. It was really stressful. i remember how i actually used to be so confident, then it died down to me being a quiet person.
Wow 8! I moved to this country from an Island, i was happy and thought my life was gonna turn out like those popular girls you see in movies. perfect life, natural pretty, huge friendgroups, loved by everyone. though i would have to repeat 3rd grade because the lady from the islands school wouldnt give me the end of year test since it was june, awful of her, dislike her til this day.
I shouldnt have been on the internet since i was 9, it really messed me up but made me become the person i am today (and i guess i'd say i do have a bit of love for myself after constantly hating every bit of me, now i just accept it.) at 10 is when i first accidentally kissed a girl on the cheek (π¨ this is where my bi era started) and had thoughts of hurting myself, i tried with scissors but my dad walked in.when 11-12 i think is when i repeated 4th because i didnt know how to speak english, and id be a gacha creator and the roleplays were... something. i think i now know why i been so hypersexual til 15, gross. I kept getting into distant "relationships" at such a young age, so many things i regret that are absolutely horrible. but i was a kid, blinded and didnt know any better.
at 13, this is the age when things online got worse, i got a friendgroup, but the media i been seeing where disgsuting,,, and dealing with suicidal people constanly... kinda messed me up.. well it did. Texting my "girlfriends" sister on discord at 1:05AM because she decided to stab herself. now that i loook back at this these all felt like lies. lol. One of the people from that friendgroup was my old bestfriend, which im so happy and lucky to still have contact with.
14 I finally felt different within my gender, came out as FTM and was a scene kid!! But this is when things went downhill once i finally went to art school for 2 years. I regret going. So many fake people and constant drama was not something i imagined out of this place. this is when i started constantly cutting, in April of the 27-28th after my bestfriend from that school left me for a group of girls because they were much better and "socially accepted and cool" than me(im not saying im cool, ykwim) and after my Girlfriend broke up with me, (i forgot why but im glad its over). And to be fairly honest, that first year in art school i felt completely alone, even though i was in a semi-big friendgroup i really never fitted in, constantly being left out... only having online friends and music keeping me sane.Β
People talking behind backs and pretending nothing happened once theyre standing infront of you. was the most disgusting thing ever.
Β When 15, i got sent to therapy (almost got sent to the hospital), my depression got worse, i developed an ED and my last year on that school came, i've had enough of this place. i think this one was the roughest. Constant relapsing and problems with people, my own bestfriend talking behind my back and only talking to me because we had all classes together and when her other friends werent around, i was like a dog following.Β disgusting to look back on. i almost ended my life and i cried so much throughout the year. So many things happened i cant put into words, at this point Lifelover and SWR was what kept me sane. then it was relapse, after relapse, after relapse. I hated myself deeply. grades dropping because i was planning to take my own life before May 1st of 2024, so i didnt care about anything.
Its june 6th, schools over and my birthday was soon. im finally a freshman and transferring to a normal stem school and now planning to start studying for medical next school year once i get my grades up.
Β Its been now about the 3rd week of school, and its been going okay. Coming to this school was the best option i been given.
I
still look back at my old self from past months and years, so many
people i wish i could apologize to, and so many things i regret doing. I
feel absolutely horrible for that, i really wasnt myself at all, i was
going through an episode.
Now im 16, my birthdays August 1st. On about this point, i been clean for 4 months. i never thought i would make it clean this far, but i did it. Im happy i have given myself so many changes in living, im grateful that im still here and have my online bsf of 2 years, Violet, by my side always, theyre a sibling to me. Even with problems, Im so grateful for my mom, my godmother, grandma, sis, dad, everyone in my family, and my dog Lucky.
Right now i just finished cleaning my depression room
Im happy to be alive
my life didnt end at its lowest
(Β΄ο½₯Οο½₯`)
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LaceratedLullabies
im so happy for u <3 the feeling of making it thru the lowest points is incredibly cathartic