it's different since I got pregnant

this last mercury retrograde really ripped me a new one. and yes, this is absolutely astrology related (isn't everything?). Last month, well in July, I moved to a new state and got a period two weeks later. It was slightly odd for me since I was on the IUD and I don't typically bleed, but I figured it was just changing hormones (lol). Sure, my nipples looked a little odd, and my boobs were getting a little bigger, but I told myself I wasn't pregnant. I had been with the Mirena for 5years- I did try to change it out, but apparently the shit is good for 7-8years now, so per the doctor's advice I left it in- and Reddit forums assured me that sometimes the hormones fade enough to cause periods yet still prevented pregnancy. I've been sexually active for over a decade, thought I could be pregnant about a dozen times, and never was. I brushed off the thought because I figured I was just working myself up, as usual.

BTW, the true tell was the nipples. 

I bled again about a month later, but for a single day. and that day I felt so weird. In the store, I felt out of breath and like my chest was too heavy. Thought maybe it was anxiety, even though it's usually paired with some uncomfortable emotion. I was a bit moody, but felt much better once I took my bra off. Then at home, I bled some. Not a lot, had a couple small, unalarming clots, but was pretty unconcerned. I told myself earlier on that if I didn't bleed, or only bled one day, I would take a test. Saturday I bled, Monday I tested positive, for the first time in my life.

The next day I went to PP, worried about a possible ectopic pregnancy. That day I only learned I did indeed have elevated hcg levels, and a cute cyst on my left ovary (pretty typical in a pregnancy), yet nothing else showed on the transvaginal ultrasound. I got my IUD out. I took a blood test that Tuesday to compare with a blood test on Friday. Saturday morning I learned that the levels declined, meaning that my Saturday bleed was a miscarriage. I was probably about 4weeks.

I was also stuffy and achy on Friday. I told myself, 'If I'm not pregnant then I have COVID.' So Saturday morning I got my second positive test in a week. Sick for weeks before getting a Depo shot. My body has been getting fucked up for two months now. I feel pretty well, except for my bowels, but I am still so out of whack. I've lost weight (another reason I didn't think I was pregnant, although weight loss is common in the first trimester. also I had like no appetite while sick) which I hate for myself. It's been difficult getting it back up.

Last month, I didn't let myself have too many feelings about possibly being pregnant. I'm glad I went about it the way I did, considering how it played out. I'm even glad I miscarried, considering those cells could've hospitalized me. But once everything was known and settled, those covered up feelings felt safe to come out. We weren't trying for a child, but I've been open to it. Now, because of all the research I had been doing, and the astrological times, I've been seeing lots on pregnancies on my timelines. And honestly, though I watch and would not call myself jealous, I do feel that twinge of envy when I see women in their first trimester. I mean, it was almost me. I know I'll be a great mother if the day comes, and I am very curious as to how my pregnancy would play out. I wasn't craving for it before, but now I can't stop thinking about it. When I got that loud positive, I saw myself differently. Who was I as a mother? Who was I, just by myself? I thought about how great it would be to create a person, but there was so much more for me to do. I realized that even if I was a mother, I would never only be that. That the need to make and find magic and something bigger than myself couldn't be stuffed away for a baby. I worried it would be, because I allowed it to be. "Losing" the pregnancy almost feels like a chance to prove myself, while I felt I had the chance. 

And for my fellow astrology lovers out there:

I am 28 ( 5H profection year)

My 5H is in Virgo. My natal Mercury is retrograde (Taurus)

During the miscarriage, Mercury (rx Virgo) was trine my natal moon. Ascendant was in Scorpio. 

I'm not sure when I conceived. My spirit baby had been trying to contact me before and after conception. No way of knowing, but I reeeeeally think it would've been a boy. 

Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. It's a weird space to be in. I need to focus on creation. Sacral energy but with an empty womb. The energy exists and needs a way out.