Late nights

I'm kind of sober this time. My heart feels empty, and I know I'm just at the start of the episode. It's different this time, people are noticing. Overt the past two weeks, despite my family never talking to me, my mother, father, grandmother, all three of my sisters and an ex have asked me if I'm okay, if I'm safe, if I'm planning anything. While I'm lucky enough to have people who reach other like that, I know it's not genuine. People often think I'm complaining or being 'emo' when I say things like that. But when you come from a family where every interaction is transactional you start to realize no one actually cares, they care if they feel like they gained something from you. Emotionally or Money terms. I can feel it deep down that the onset of this episode will change me, that the outcome will put me in a place I least expect, wither it be good or bad. I often fanaticize crashing my car. I don't think I have the balls to do it; but somedays the guard rail calls my name with a tone so sweet it makes my skin burn with a desire I've never felt. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I feel like I'm falling behind. My thoughts don't correlate in my head and the man that stands at the end of my bed is slowly starting to comfort me. I've been craving more dangerous things recently, I want to go for a ride late at night, hanging out the side of a window, some dude I don't know speeding down the interstate as I'm high from living. That sounds cringe but I can't shake the feeling I need it.