02/09

only my two closest friends know what i'm talking about, and i intend to keep it that way. why am i publicly writing about it then? because i need to do it, though i'll try to keep it ambiguous. every year i find myself having the same need, to express myself in some way, even if it's a one liner, but hey! i have this site now, so that's good, i can maybe express myself a bit more now.

2nd of September

joyeux anniversaire!

29, just like me

are you having fun? are you having a good time?

wherever you are, i hope that's the case

it remains my wish to share it one day

years keep piling on, each one making me feel more hopeless

but maybe i shouldn't see it that way, and instead try to look at it from a different angle, maybe once i acquire more freedom... who knows

but are you even there? is my search in vain? all these years, have they been a waste?

i know a version of you exists, but that's not it, not who i'm writing to anyway

that's why i wonder if you even had a day at all

if you're even there

i hope you are

my dream, my goal, my raison d'être

is it dumb? is it stupid? to learn an entire language just for this? this being my only reason? 3 years into it, just because i feel

it'll manifest, it'll draw near, it'll expand my possibilities

maybe if i do this

it'll become real

it's not family, it's not friends, it's not fear, the reason i'm hanging on is my one and only "what if"

maybe not now, maybe not in several years, maybe it'll come when i'm 90

but if it comes in the end, it'll all be worth it

i can't risk my chance

i can't lose my chance

so i have to stay

for you i have to stay

for you i'll always stay

these past days i've been a little unhinged with my best friend, not in the crazy way, but more of a "i'm saying a lot of private stuff i should've maybe kept to myself", stuff about wanting to crawl all over someone and funny stuff i do in the night... embarrassing but it's honestly pretty fun to talk so openly about all that

i kept saying i was softlocked, that you did this to me

but this year i found out that wasn't the case, though i wish it was

i strayed a lot, from you and my goals, i let myself be blinded, and to this day that's still the case

and yet despite the things i felt, the things i said, the things i did

at the end of the day i never forget

i don't want to ever forget

life goes on so of course i have to live it, you can't blame, right? it's not my fault either way, i keep telling you to hurry up

i'll keep waiting but living all the while, it does make me feel a bit guilty, i won't deny

out of all my candles, the pink one is the most consumed

i'm afraid to say not all of my prayers have been about you

though lady aphrodite does quite like you

a lot

no, really, a lot

i pray to her, ask her, beg her, sometimes things i shouldn't ask for, and every time she reminds me what my goal is, what it is i should be focusing on, looking for

"keep following your dreams"

"don't stray"

she refuses to lend a hand with anything that isn't this, and has made it very clear

but i hope you understand i want to have fun in the meantime as well... again, it's not my fault!

but the word of a goddess cannot be ignored, and as she wishes for me, i'll never give up on this, because i want to believe it'll all come to fruition

it's all for a reason

after all these years, it has to be

blue feather, dark bird, are you cooking for me again? bright moon, strong winds, in france we meet, 216, at the library, hateful father, enabling mother, raging sister, are you all alone? a bridge at night, or maybe a room, is it mine? in the dark, a smile so bright, half closed eyes, dirty blond, thanks for helping me! tu vas bien ? merci pour tout, je vais parler toute la nuit ! wings so broad, alternatively, eternally, a cabin in the woods, it's way too cold tonight, isn't it? you saved my life

repeating numbers every hour, every first star, every birthday, under the train, holding dandelions, maybe a fallen eyelash, or staring directly at the moon, would she listen? asking the gods, they must be tired of me, listening to lucky songs, maybe they'll manifest too

the night visions demo did release on this day, after all...

i could've written it myself, even

isn't that funny? isn't that strange? i like to think it all has meaning

yet

another year has passed

it's already been more than half of my life

funny how fast time moves

am i losing my chances, or gaining them?

is it alright to keep searching? to keep dreaming?

please don't be mad at the things i do until that day

which i know will arrive

it has to arrive

that, i hope

just as i hope

you had a happy birthday