september

September 1, 2024

Today, I ate buldak for dinner. It's been a year since I started eating buldak whenever I felt down, just to feel something, anything. I’ve cried so much that my tears have run dry, and now I rely on the burn of something spicy to mask the pain. I tell myself the tears are from the heat, not the sadness. But the truth is, I’ve become numb to almost everything else. The only way I can remind myself that I’m still alive is through the sting of spice, a sensation I can control when everything else feels out of my grasp. It’s like I’m clinging to the pain, because at least it’s something real in a world that feels increasingly empty. I keep hoping the burn will ignite something inside me—some spark of hope, a glimmer of happiness—but it never lasts. The moment the spice fades, the emptiness rushes back in, heavier than before. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

I thought I'd feel a little happier with this month starting on the first day of the week. There's something neat and well-organized about it. Usually, when a month begins midweek, it feels disorienting and annoying. I used to look forward to these little things, but now I don’t find them exciting anymore. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling sick, or perhaps waking up to my parents fighting again drained any joy I had left this morning.

It’s been also a month since I told myself that if I wasn’t happier after 10 years, I’d end it on my birthday. Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. For months, I’ve been suppressing my emotions, pretending that I don’t care about my failures when deep down, they haunt me. I act like my family’s dysfunction doesn’t affect me, but it does—more than I’d like to admit. I wonder if I’ll ever be free from them to truly enjoy life. But then, I question myself: Is it really fair to blame my family for the trauma I’ve experienced? Are they responsible for the scars left on me by their actions? I’m lost. I’ve been battling these thoughts for years, and today, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. The lines between right and wrong, pain and numbness, reality and this suffocating emptiness—they’re all blurred. And I don’t know if I have the strength to untangle them anymore.

I went to church today, but as usual, I didn’t really listen. I’ve lost hope in praying to a God who doesn’t seem to exist. There was a time when I believed in Him—I think we all did at some point. But after everything I’ve been through, the suffering, the unanswered prayers, I’m filled with anger. What have I done to deserve this? If God truly exists, why do the wicked go unpunished while good people suffer? It feels hypocritical, like a cruel joke I no longer want to be a part of. I used to find comfort in worshipping and the familiar faces of the congregation. There was a time when I believed that faith could be a source of strength, a light in the darkness. But now, all I see are empty words and hollow promises. The sermons that once soothed me now feel like lies, echoes of a hope that has long since faded. I’ve tried to find meaning in the pain, to tell myself that there’s a reason for everything, but it’s hard to keep believing that when the world feels so unjust. I watch as the bad remain free, their lives untouched by the suffering that seems to cling to the good. It’s hard not to feel betrayed, not just by God, but by the very idea that there’s any justice in this world. I want to believe that there’s something more, some greater purpose to all of this, but every day that belief slips further away. The more I question, the more I feel the weight of hypocrisy pressing down on me. It’s like I’m losing a part of myself, the part that once believed in something greater. Now, I’m left wondering if there was ever anything there at all.

Tomorrow’s Monday, and I’m not expecting anything different. What’s there to look forward to, anyway? I’ll wake up at quarter to 4, listen to my parents fight over nothing, choke down the same lousy nuggets I eat every day, and then drag myself through six hours of school without learning anything. I’ll feel that familiar sting of being left out, watching people who seem so far above me that I can’t even imagine talking to them. My mom will probably throw in some snarky comments about how I turned out, and then… what? Nothing. Nothing excites me anymore, not even the boy group that used to keep me going. I keep buying things, hoping they’ll make me happy, even if it’s just for a few minutes. But every time, it’s the same—a fleeting distraction, a temporary escape from the monotony and pain, and then I’m right back where I started, feeling empty and exhausted. I’m tired of pretending, of going through the motions, of waiting for something to change when deep down, I know it won’t. I just want this suffering to end. The weight of it all is crushing me, and I’m running out of reasons to keep going. I’m at the point where I don’t even know what I’m holding on for anymore.

September 2, 2024

I went to bed earlier than usual last night after finishing yesterday's entry so when I woke up at 5 a.m. fearing I was late for school I was relieved to find out there were no classes due to a tropical storm. I went back to sleep but woke up five hours later feeling completely drained. The weather isn’t doing my mood any favors. I’ve always had a deep dislike for rain—it’s led to missed opportunities and a persistent sense of hopelessness. I can’t understand why some people find comfort in it; to me, it feels like a constant reminder of what’s out of reach and a barrier to everything I want to achieve. I used to appreciate the occasional day off from school, but now I struggle to find any solace in the cold and dreary skies. The absence of sunlight in the morning only compounds my feelings, making it even harder to start the day on a positive note. The relentless gray clouds make everything feel stagnant, and the chill in the air seeps into my bones, leaving me feeling sluggish and unmotivated. Even small tasks seem more daunting when the weather is so uninviting. I long for the warmth and brightness of sunny days, which always seem to bring a sense of possibility and energy that rain just can’t provide.

I tried to push away this feeling of emptiness by eating. I had my usual nuggets, followed by a glass of milk that reminds me of my childhood, but it didn’t seem to help. I also ate a strawberry donut, but it felt like I was just consuming something for the sake of it. I attempted to find comfort in watching "The Umbrella Academy," a show I relied on during the pandemic, but that didn’t work either. Maybe it’s because I haven’t taken a bath yet, but even after doing so, I still feel hollow. I have a list of things I want to accomplish today, like cleaning my room and tackling my asynchronous activities, but I can't seem to muster the energy to get out of bed. I’m unsure about what to do—should I try to sleep it off as I often do, or should I force myself to get up and make progress?

After hours of nonstop scrolling, I ended up buying things I don’t even need for school and indulged in some fast food, despite feeling like I didn’t deserve it. Surprisingly, it lifted my mood a bit. The immediate gratification of getting something new and treating myself made me feel a little better, even if just for a short while. Now, I have something to look forward to with my online order on the way. It’s a small distraction from the daily grind and a reminder that sometimes, treating myself is okay.

September 3, 2024

Today, I woke up feeling great, perhaps because the rain wasn't as heavy as it was yesterday. The sky was a soft blue, and the air felt fresh and crisp. I enjoyed a peaceful breakfast, savoring the quiet before the day began. The calm weather set a positive tone for everything that followed. I managed to complete my asynchronous activities on time, which felt like a small victory. I had planned to clean my room today, but things took a dark turn. My insecurities overwhelmed me after watching our infomercial for E-Tech.

I couldn't stand seeing myself on screen—I looked awful. How did I let myself get to this point? Why do I look like this? I've been battling these feelings about my body for years, and it's exhausting. I hate how I don't look as pretty as the other girls my age. As I type this, I’m mindlessly shoving food down my throat. Pathetic, isn’t it? I don’t understand why, out of all the coping mechanisms, this is where I find the most comfort. Ever since I was young, I’ve had an unhealthy, obsessive relationship with food, which is why I’ve always been larger than my peers. I hate this. I hate myself for lacking self-control.

I’ve been trying to distract myself for months, convincing myself that it doesn’t matter, but I can’t shake these feelings. And if God isn’t on my side, I feel cursed with this condition that only intensifies my struggles. My gynecologist just told me to eat healthily and take birth control pills, but that advice feels like a dead end. I lost 20 kg after the pandemic, but I’ve been stuck at this weight for two years now, and I have no idea what to do next. I’ve spent my teenage years consumed by worry about my well-being, and it’s robbed me of the chance to actually enjoy this time in my life. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but sometimes I wonder if anything would really change, even if I did get better. It’s as if I’m trapped in this endless cycle of frustration and self-loathing, with no clear way out. Even when I make progress, it feels like it’s never enough, like there’s always another hurdle to overcome. I just want to feel normal, to enjoy my life without these constant thoughts weighing me down. But right now, I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.

September 4, 2024

Today didn’t start off well. I woke up later than usual, feeling groggy and weighed down by the stress of whatever had been on my mind last night. To add to that, I was anxious about whether we'd have classes today. Don’t get me wrong—I actually do want to go to class and get things done, but with the rain still pouring down, even though it wasn’t as bad as yesterday, the uncertainty was unsettling. On top of that, I was panicking because I hadn’t finished my other asynchronous activities, and the thought of them looming over me was exhausting.

I rushed to take a quick shower, hoping it would wake me up and help me focus. Just as I was getting ready, my dad informed me that there wouldn’t be any classes today. My first reaction was relief—a whole day off from school sounded like a blessing. But seriously? They announced that we’d have classes today, only to reverse the decision at quarter to five? It’s frustrating how they waited until the last minute to cancel, especially since we were literally under an orange rainfall warning. It’s like they can’t make up their minds, and it’s messing with mine.

With classes canceled, I tried to make the most of the day. I managed to submit all my activities on time—except for Chemistry. This is the second time this week that I’ve missed the deadline, and it’s really starting to get to me. I was doing so well earlier, staying on top of my work, but when it came time to actually sit down and do the assignment, I just lost all motivation. It’s like the moment I needed to focus the most, my brain decided to check out. Instead of being productive, I ended up spending hours mindlessly scrolling through my phone. I had planned to finally clean my room today, something I’ve been putting off for far too long. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to clean for hours on end without feeling overwhelmed. Every time I look around, it feels like no matter how much I tidy up, it’s never enough. The mess just keeps coming back, and I get so discouraged that I don’t even know where to start. Even though I’ve been trying to clean regularly each month, I still struggle to overcome this mindset. It’s like my room is a reflection of my mental state—cluttered, chaotic, and in need of attention.

In the end, I didn’t get much done today. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of procrastination and frustration, and it’s hard to see a way out. I know I need to find a better balance between taking care of my responsibilities and giving myself time to rest, but right now, it just feels like I’m failing at both. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but for now, I’m just trying to get through the day without being too hard on myself.

September 5, 2024

Today felt rather neutral. I woke up at 5 a.m., but after realizing there were no classes, I went back to sleep and ended up waking up at 12 p.m. This threw me off a bit, and I lost track of time, missing out on a few things I had meant to do. To be honest, though, I hadn’t really been motivated to do them in the first place—just like most days. The whole day felt like a blur, where nothing significant happened, but nothing particularly bad did either.

I stuck to my usual routine, but for the first time in a while, it felt like nothing was weighing me down. It was almost like I finally gave myself permission to just exist without overthinking every little thing. Maybe that’s why I didn’t feel the need to force myself into productivity. I had made plans to take better care of myself today—maybe try something new or do something different—but I ended up spending most of my time lying in bed, letting my mind drift.

It’s not exactly my proudest moment, but somehow it was comforting to take a break from the thoughts that have been stressing me out lately. Even though I wasn’t very active or productive, there was something peaceful about just doing nothing for a change. It was like I allowed myself to pause and breathe. It wasn't a perfect day, but it was enough. Maybe that’s okay for now. Tomorrow is another chance, but for today, I think I needed the stillness.

September 6, 2024

I woke up early today, expecting classes to be suspended even though it wasn’t raining. The weather forecast had predicted a storm, and I was sure we’d get the day off. But to my surprise, classes were still on. I didn’t feel like going, though. I wasn’t feeling well—my body felt heavy, and I thought I might have a fever. So, I told my parents I wasn’t going to school, and thankfully, they didn’t push me to go. I crawled back into bed, and before I knew it, I drifted off into a deep sleep.

When I woke up again, it was already late in the afternoon. My parents had come home from work, and I had slept the entire day away. It was probably the most peaceful sleep I’ve had all week. No alarms, no rushing to get ready for school—just calm. It felt like the world paused for a while, and I was grateful for that. Once I was up, I checked my phone to catch up on what I missed. I messaged a few close friends and found out that something interesting had happened at school. Apparently, just for showing up, they were given 10 extra points. At first, I thought maybe I should’ve gone, but honestly, it didn’t bother me as much as it used to. There was a time when something like that would’ve stressed me out, but I’ve learned not to get worked up over these small things. There’s no use dwelling on it. What did catch my attention was an upcoming project in Philosophy. We have to do a yoga dance interpretation based on either Hinduism or Buddhism. I was grouped with the other absent students, and to make things worse, I’m not close to any of them. It’s always awkward being in a group where you don’t really know anyone. I suggested some ideas, thinking it might break the ice, but no one even acknowledged what I said. They just moved on as if I hadn’t spoken. It was frustrating. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, but it did. I kept wondering if I was overthinking it or if they were deliberately ignoring me.

After that, I spent most of the evening mindlessly scrolling through social media. I came across a lot of content about self-improvement—videos on how to be more confident, how to get your life together, how to be more like the people you look up to. And I don’t know why, but it hit me in a weird way. Lately, I’ve been feeling this need to change, to improve myself, but at the same time, I wonder if I’m just chasing validation from others. It’s like I’m constantly comparing myself to everyone around me, wanting to be as good as them, if not better. It’s a confusing feeling—wanting to change for yourself but also feeling like you’re doing it just to get approval from others. I know I shouldn’t care so much about what people think, but it’s hard not to sometimes. I keep telling myself that I just need to focus on my own growth, but there's always this nagging feeling that I’m falling behind. That I’m not enough. Maybe that’s why today didn’t feel like a total waste. In a way, taking a step back, disconnecting, and just being alone with my thoughts helped me realize how much I’ve been pushing myself lately. It made me reflect on where I’m headed and what I want to change, not just because I want to fit in, but because I genuinely want to be better for me..

September 15, 2024

Hello, it's me again. I realized I haven’t written my thoughts here for over a week now. Honestly, I’ve been so caught up in everything—practice, school, life—that I lost the energy to even sit down and reflect. I thought I could just push through, ignore how I feel, and keep going. But now, I realize I’ve been drowning myself in distractions, spending more time outside and avoiding being alone with my thoughts. Practice felt like an escape at first, something to shift my focus on but in the end, it didn’t help. If anything, it made me notice more things I don’t like about myself.

First, no matter what I do, it feels like I’ll always be beneath everyone else. In any aspect of my life, I can’t seem to measure up. It’s like I’m always one step behind. During practice, I was one of the few who needed help to understand the choreography. I felt so lost and out of place. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed it either—I had the same experience when we did contemporary dance. But this time, it hit me harder, and I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m just not good at anything. Everyone else seems to get it so quickly, while I’m stuck struggling, waiting for someone to explain it to me.

Second, I don’t think I’m likable. I don’t really have friends—at least not the kind who genuinely think of me or care about me. It’s strange to say, but I feel like I have friends and yet, I don’t. Does that even make sense? It’s like I’m just there. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why am I always the one initiating conversations? Why does it feel like no one cares about who I am or what I’m going through? It’s exhausting, feeling invisible. No one asks about what I like, what I think, or how my day was. It’s like I’m a ghost in the background of everyone else’s lives.

Third, I don’t think anyone has ever genuinely loved me. And even if someone did, I know I’d end up getting hurt. I always feel like I’m treated as some kind of joke. I know I’m only 18 and have so much ahead of me, but what if it never gets better? Is it really worth waiting for someone who might never come? All I’ve ever wanted is someone who genuinely cares for me, but it seems so far out of reach. How is it that my friends have been confessed to more than once, while I can count on one hand the people who’ve ever shown interest in me? Am I really that hard to love? It’s unfair that I haven’t experienced what it’s like to be loved as a teenager. I’m so tired of yearning for someone, only to be possibly rejected without a second thought.

And that brings me to the next thing: I feel unattractive. No matter what I do, I feel like I’m just a pig wearing makeup. I’m always twice the size of everyone else around me, and no matter how hard I try to improve my appearance, nothing changes. I feel trapped in this body that I don’t know how to change. I try to tell myself that appearance isn’t everything, but it’s hard when it’s all I can think about. I look in the mirror and I just don’t like what I see. It feels like there’s something wrong with me at the core, something that no amount of makeup or dieting can fix.

I’m so tired of feeling this way. It feels like I’m trapped in a maze with no way out. I keep trying to distract myself, hoping I’ll stumble across an exit, but I’m just going in circles. After our Philosophy performance task, all these insecurities hit me like a wave. I was so conscious of my flaws that I had a full-blown panic attack after we performed. I couldn’t breathe. I just wanted to break down and cry—and I did. I ended up in the clinic, but even then, the nurse just said my pulse was normal and comforted me, not realizing how deep this all runs. The stress of being told we might get a -10 deduction because one of our groupmates was removed weighed heavily on me. It felt like we were being dragged down by something out of our control. We had worked hard, but still, I felt the pressure piling on. And when we were allowed to perform without her and got a 100, it didn’t feel like an accomplishment. I cried because I knew I hadn’t done my best. I made so many mistakes, and it was obvious. I felt like I didn’t deserve that perfect score, like I was dragging my group down with me. The truth is, I’d already had a tough week, and that was my breaking point.

I tried to shift my focus after that, hoping that PE dance practice would be a fresh start. But it was just a temporary fix. I threw myself into it, thinking that maybe, if I got it right this time, I’d feel better about myself. But the more I practice, the more I realize it’s not the dancing that’s the issue—it’s me. I’m running from something I can’t escape. And now, I’m left wondering if this is just how things are going to be. Will I always feel this way? Will I ever find peace with who I am?

So now, I’ve decided to choose myself this time. I’m tired—tired of constantly seeking validation from others, tired of bending over backward just to meet everyone else’s expectations. It’s exhausting, and I’ve realized that it’s time to prioritize my own needs for once. Today, I had an issue with my PE groupmates. I’ve explained it multiple times: I am not available on Sundays, no matter what it’s for. Sundays are for family and church, and I’ve been clear about that from the start. Yet, they still can’t seem to respect that boundary. It frustrates me that something so simple—something I’ve emphasized over and over—still gets ignored. It’s not like I’m asking for much. I spent the whole week going to practice after dismissal, even though it drained me. After all of that, I feel like I deserve a break, and Sunday is my time to reset. Part of me considered squeezing in a practice session before going to church, but I know my parents wouldn’t let that happen. They value that time together, and honestly, so do I. But the real problem is that it shouldn’t have even come to this. If everyone had shown up on time, if we had a proper schedule, none of this would be an issue. Instead, we spent an entire week practicing without ever really finishing anything. It’s like we’re going in circles, with no direction or progress. 

I’ve sacrificed my time for this group, and yet it feels like they don’t respect the time I’ve already given. It’s frustrating because it’s not just about this one day—it’s about the fact that I’ve been putting in effort all week, only to end up in the same place. And now, if we end up looking unprepared or disorganized tomorrow, I know I’ll be blamed, but it’s not entirely my fault. I’ve done my part. I’ve shown up, I’ve practiced, and I’ve tried. But no matter how much I try to meet everyone’s demands, I can’t keep neglecting myself.

So, this time, I’m choosing me. I’m choosing to step back, set boundaries, and stop letting other people’s expectations control me. I’m done bending until I break just to accommodate everyone else. And if tomorrow doesn’t go perfectly, then so be it. I’ve realized that I’m not responsible for fixing everything or making everyone happy, especially when my own needs are being ignored. 

 

Treated myself to a bit of self-care today and got my eyebrows done. It might sound strange, but there’s something oddly comforting about the whole process—not just getting my eyebrows shaped, but even things like plucking out my arm hair. It’s become a sort of coping mechanism for me, though I’m not entirely sure when it started.

There’s something about the sharp, fleeting pain that I actually like. It’s almost soothing in a way. The sensation of the tweezers, the tiny sting of each hair being pulled out—it makes me feel grounded, like I’m really present in that moment. And then, when it’s done, my eyes water up. It’s like the pain forces me to feel something real, something I can’t ignore. 

I guess, in a way, it’s like I need to hurt myself just to feel anything. Not in a dangerous or self-destructive way, but more in the sense that the physical sensation is easier to process than whatever’s going on emotionally. I don’t know why I find comfort in it. Maybe it’s because the pain is controlled, predictable, unlike the emotional pain that seems to come out of nowhere. When I get my eyebrows done, I know what to expect. The discomfort is temporary, and in the end, there’s a visible result: neat, defined brows. It’s like a metaphor for control—feeling the pain, then seeing something improve. 

I can’t pinpoint exactly when this started, but I’ve noticed that it’s become a ritual of sorts. Something I turn to when I need to quiet the noise in my head or when I feel disconnected. It’s strange how we find comfort in the most unexpected places, isn’t it? 

September 17, 2024 

Yesterday, we performed our foxtrot for PE. Even though we got a perfect score of 100, I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I made so many mistakes, and despite everyone’s praises, I wasn’t satisfied with what I gave. It felt like everyone was seeing something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. But right now, I don’t have the energy to beat myself up or drown in self-criticism. It’s strange because I’m usually my own worst enemy, but tonight I’m too exhausted to care.

I was supposed to catch up on my backlogs and finish my homework due tomorrow, but for some reason, I feel too drained to even think. I’ve been staring at my books and laptop for hours, unable to muster the will to start. Instead, I find myself sinking deeper into the comfort of my bed. It's this familiar, almost addictive, sense of relief, where I can forget about the world for a while. Even though I know it's unhealthy, I still do it unintentionally, like my body craves this escape. There’s something about lying here, wrapped in blankets, that makes everything feel distant, like maybe if I stay still long enough, my problems will just disappear. But I know they won’t.

It’s like I’m stuck in this haze, unsure if what’s happening is real or how serious the consequences will be if I keep lying in bed and letting my tasks pile up. I keep telling myself to get up, to push through, but my body doesn’t listen. It feels like a never-ending cycle of to-dos, like a weight pressing down on me, and I’m so exhausted by this constant feeling of not doing enough, even when I’m giving it my all. The more I lay here, the more guilt I feel, but somehow, that doesn’t change anything.

The worst part is, I know this isn’t good for me. I know I should get up and be productive, but there’s something about the safety of my bed that keeps pulling me back. It’s like a temporary shelter from the chaos, but deep down, I realize it’s also part of the problem. I hate that I rely on it, but in moments like this, it’s the only thing that feels comforting, even if it’s just for a little while.

I’m just tired—tired of feeling like I’m always behind, tired of second-guessing myself, tired of this endless loop. I don’t even know if I should sleep now and hope tomorrow is better, or stay up and push through, even though I know I’ll regret it either way. It’s like no matter what I do, I can’t escape this feeling. My bed offers temporary comfort, but it also traps me in this unhealthy cycle. And somehow, I keep letting it.

September 18, 2024

Today was both fun and exhausting. I took the day off from school because my skin got irritated, and to be honest, I looked like a lizard. My eyes were so swollen it seemed like I’d had botched surgery, and there was no way I was showing up to school like that. Plus, with the unbearable heat in our classroom, it would've just made things worse. I’m sure my face would've melted off at that point.

Despite being absent, I still had to drag myself to school to film for our philosophy performance task, which, of course, is due tomorrow. Oh, and we were only told about it yesterday. What a wonderful surprise. Can I just get a break for once? I swear, the universe has a twisted sense of humor. 

Anyway, when we were finally ready to start filming, the rain came out of nowhere. So, we headed back to the mall to take cover and kill some time. After what felt like forever, we decided to go back to MOA seaside, thinking the rain had eased up a bit. But not even a minute later, it started pouring—harder than before. At that point, we had no choice but to film in the rain. So there we were, soaked to the bone, trying to shoot this last-minute performance task. Honestly, it felt like we were filming a scene straight out of a dramatic movie. 

By the end of it, I was drenched, cold, and more tired than I’d expected. But the day wasn’t over yet. As if things couldn’t get worse, I realized I had no clue how to get home. I hopped on a jeepney, thinking it was the right one, but surprise—it took me somewhere much farther than I needed to go. I mean, of course, it did. Why wouldn't it? At this point, I was beyond exhausted. Thankfully, I spotted Metropoint and felt a sense of relief because it’s literally the only place I know where I can catch a tricycle home.

In total, I ended up riding the jeep five times today. Five. Times. Who does that? It’s kind of ridiculous when I think about it, but also low-key hilarious in the most chaotic way possible. I could probably write a comedy sketch about my life today. 

Now that I’m finally home, I’m lying here after a long shower, feeling both physically and mentally drained. I still have to figure out how I’m going to execute this mixed media idea for our task, but honestly, all I want to do is sleep. The thought of all the backlogs I need to catch up on is looming over me like a dark cloud. I’m really hoping I can finish everything soon—before these backlogs bury me alive.

September 19, 2024 

It's my second day of being absent because of my skin irritation, and honestly, I feel terrible. I promised myself I’d take my studies seriously this year, but it’s hard to focus when my skin feels uncomfortable, and mentally, I’m just not there. Even though it’s only been two days, it feels like I’ve missed out on so much. I keep imagining the activities, the lessons, everything piling up. It’s overwhelming. But lately, I’ve lost the motivation I used to have. It feels like no matter how much effort I put into my studies, it’s never enough. I push myself, but the results don’t reflect it, and it’s so disheartening. I don’t know... I just feel lost, like I’m stuck in this cycle of disappointment. 

Today is my dad’s birthday, and we celebrated at home, but it didn’t feel special, like the usual excitement we’d have in the past. I remember when I was younger, I would always make birthday cards—sometimes with funny little drawings, other times with heartfelt messages. I loved doing it, even if the cards ended up stuffed in a drawer somewhere, forgotten. But this is the second birthday I didn’t prepare anything, not even a card. It feels strange because that used to be my way of showing love. I didn’t make one for my mom either. The only ones I managed were for my grandma and my sister. I just don’t know anymore. I feel disconnected, like I’m drifting away from things I used to care about.

On another note, Yeonjun released his mixtape GGUM, and I have to admit, I was hesitant at first. The first listen felt a bit... off, like I wasn’t sure what he was going for. But the more I played it, the more it grew on me, like gum that sticks to you no matter how hard you try to brush it off. Now, I genuinely love it. It’s bold and unapologetic, like he’s proving everyone wrong. It’s almost like a big “screw you” to all the people who doubted his talent and questioned his choices. I love that about it. It’s ironic, too—people are hating on the song, but in a way, they’re proving his point. The jokes just write themselves at this point. It’s a statement piece, and I think it speaks louder than anything else.

September 23, 2024

These past few days have been a blur, and I can't seem to shake this overwhelming sense of emptiness. It's like I'm caught in a never-ending loop of uncertainty and doubt, and I don’t know where to turn. I keep distracting myself from the things I need to do, but it’s only making everything worse. Why is it so hard to get through the simplest tasks? I don’t even recognize myself anymore—too drained to admit I’m tired, too frustrated to understand why everything feels so heavy.

I feel like I’m trapped in my own mind, constantly spiraling, but no matter how much I fight to pull myself out, I just sink deeper. It's exhausting, and I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade of pretending everything is okay. I want to scream, to cry, to let it all out, but it’s like something inside me is stuck. I’m holding back everything, and I don’t even know why. I feel suffocated by my own thoughts—like they’re slowly crushing me, and I can’t catch my breath.

The future looks terrifying, like an empty void with no light at the end. I don’t know how to keep going when every step forward feels like it’s leading me deeper into the unknown. I'm terrified of what's ahead, yet I can’t stop fearing that staying here is even worse. Every day feels the same, blending into the next, and I can barely remember what happened yesterday. My mind is foggy, filled with regrets I can’t shake and this relentless fear that I’m not good enough—that I never will be.

It’s like there’s a weight on my chest that I can’t lift. I’m constantly haunted by the feeling that I’m falling behind while everyone else is moving forward. Why do I keep failing? Why can't I be like everyone else who seems to have it together? I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize the person staring back. I'm overwhelmed by my flaws—by all the mistakes I’ve made, all the things I regret. It’s hard to think about anything good when all I see are my shortcomings. 

I just want a better life, but none of the things I’m doing seem to help. I try to change, to be better, but it's like everything I do falls apart before it even starts. Sometimes I wonder if there’s even a point in trying anymore. I want to escape, to disappear, to forget everything and start over somewhere far away where no one knows me. But I can’t. I’m stuck in this endless cycle, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to break free. I’m lost, completely lost, and I don’t know how to find my way back.

September 28, 2024 

Even though I just finished my exams, I’ve spent the entire week stressing about college applications and deciding on the right course for me. The deadline for Ateneo has been extended until September 30, but I’m still unsure if I want to apply since they don’t offer my top course choices. They do have computer science, but I don’t see a future for myself in that field. The industry feels too competitive, even though it interests me. Plus, I don’t think it offers the same earning potential as it once did, now that it's so saturated. I don’t want to invest my energy into something that doesn’t excite me in the long term or offer stability.

Right now, my priority is medicine-related courses. Growing up, I was constantly in and out of hospitals due to health issues, and that experience shaped my perspective. Seeing the dedication of healthcare professionals firsthand inspired me, and I want to help people in the same way I was helped. It feels meaningful to me. However, I can’t help but doubt whether I have what it takes to handle such a demanding field. It’s a huge responsibility, and I know it will be mentally, emotionally, and physically challenging. But despite the hardships, I believe the medical profession is incredibly rewarding and worth all the effort in the end.

At one point, I even thought about becoming a doctor. I was inspired by the thought of making a real difference and working directly to save lives. But realistically, I know that becoming a doctor requires years of intensive studying, long hours, and a huge amount of dedication that I’m not sure I’m capable of. Sometimes, I feel like my brain can only handle so much, and the idea of med school is overwhelming. So, I shifted my focus to nursing, which feels like the right balance between caring for patients and being in the medical field, without the pressure of being a doctor.

Nursing seems like the perfect fit for me, but hearing the stories of how nurses are overworked and sometimes underappreciated has made me question whether I could survive in that environment. It’s a lot to think about, and I don’t want to commit to something I’ll end up regretting. That's why I’ve also been considering other healthcare-related fields, like pharmacy and radiologic technology. Both seem like solid options where I could still help people and work in a healthcare setting, but with possibly less stress than nursing. 

Then there’s this other side of me that’s really drawn to creative fields like multimedia arts. I love the idea of creating and expressing myself through visuals and design, but I’m also aware of the risks. It’s a field that’s highly competitive and often doesn’t offer as much job security or financial stability as the medical field. As much as I want to pursue my passions, I also need to be realistic. Right now, earning a stable income is a priority, and the three medical-related courses feel like the best choices for that. Balancing my passions with practicality has been really difficult, and I can’t stop worrying about making the wrong decision for my future.

I guess this whole process of figuring out my future is just overwhelming. I’m torn between pursuing what I love, what’s stable, and what feels meaningful. It’s been weighing on me constantly, and I hope I can make the right decision soon.