guys...

that's it i'm leaving... (temporarly maybe?)

Honestly it might be more of a break, hell i might even come back a few days but i'm pretty settled on the idea to not focus on this site for a while

i've been considering that for months now and i've been told by plenty to do so

i'm gonna shoot straight but i've been involved in some dirty drama that's been resurfacing for now 2 months on this and the whole summer and spring under private discussions...

I do admit starting it...  I shouldn't have made my call out blog on him...

Now it's WAY too fuckin late

i have said what i had to say about it countless times, i'm not gonna go through these memories again just to be percieved as innocent, if y'all want to believe him go ahead... I give up... (i'm not even in the position to debate anyway, i'm not stable enough for this i might end up telling a whole other story...)

It's been two months of hell, still waiting for a job to call back n trying to get one, i still have no irl friends, i've been going through family conflicts and ofc i've been dealing with this drama i've lost a massive amount of friends too...

But it's not a matter whether i wanna or not, it's wether i NEED or not because my mental health has declined to awful proportions almost comparable to the ones in high school...

(i'm gonna start with the small things then gradually go up...)

- Excessive stuttering

- Struggling to pay attention

- Overthinking

- Irritated behaviour (moody)

- More frequent memory losses

- i have hardly been able to step outside...

- i was only able to step out to apply for jobs because my sister was there, without her i wouldn't have been doing this...

- Social isolation

- General bedrotting

- Walking around in circles in my room for solid minutes multiple times a day, its been happening for a few months now.

- Anxiety from stepping out of my room

- I've been developing excessive acne

- I've been neglecting my room

- Heavily reduced movement (staying in my chair or bed all day)

- Some normal foods have caused me gagging and nausea

- I've been moving constantly and uncontrollably in my sleep

- I've slowly stopped eating for days (so far i've only taken ice creams, chewing gums, biscuits, sodas and bread only (mostly comfort or easy food))

- I've been growing some generalized anxiety

- I've been neglecting my own self care and hygiene for days

- I've been going through growing paranoia for 3 months, severally feeling the need to close my blinds, obsessively checking Aiden's profile and profiles of my exes who had nothing to do with it to the point i just block him, removed anyone that was friends with him, made several profiles private...

- I've started to loose sleep, going to bed later and later at night from 12 pm to midnight to 2 to 5 am...

- Uncontrollable heart beatings by any slight paranoia/anxiety trigger which led to heartaches a few times

- I've been growing headaches, stomach aches, nausea every morning, it now takes me around what i'd say an hour or sometimes half, to wake up, i wake up in excessive sweat and without muscle control taking me solid minutes to regain full control, blurry vision and excessive obsessive suicide thoughts.

- Uncontrollable stimming causing muscle pains

- Repeated intrusive thoughts of self mutilation and suicide

- Repeated throw backs to the events in high school

- Taking bits off of dead skin when nervous

- Panic attacks without a pattern, pushing me to act ridiculously childish.

- Disassociation and identity confusion.

Point is i need some serious mental care currently, maybe when i'll get better i'll address the elephant in the room but for now i need to leave...

I also overshare too much -_-

Thank y'all for the support, despite the few hiccups i've been having an AMAZING 2 year experience on this site, with over currently a massive 6097 page visits ????

Thank you all really, this page has really grown a big part of my life, helping me recover through tough times, this page has helped me pretty much manifest and archive a general personality that feels closer to home, it has also gave me a passion for web designing, i have met all kinds of awesome peoples, and i have even found love on multiple occasions, i have blogging all kinds of fun things it was one of my favourite activities on this site, i have seen a great evolution in this site and can truly say it has awesome potential !!

This site has gave me the 2000s older cooler sibling experience i always dreamt of, and i'll forever be grateful for it, after i'm saying all this in case if i'm ACTUALLY leaving for good, if i came back i'm sorry for making all of this a whole scene...