For starters...

It's my first time writing a blog or any sort. I'm not good at talking about myself, I'm more of a creative writer. I'm trying to work through some of my emotions, and I'm alone in life for the first time in a long time. I don't have anyone I can talk to. I'm trying to be more responsible for my own mental health, but I cant help feeling selfish, or dumb. I've forgotten how to cope on my own. I've spent the last eight months putting myself back together and fighting with myself simultaneously. Only recently have I started trying to pull away more from him. He's noticed but he won't say anything about it. I've recently thought about how much of a coward he can be. But I also wonder how much of a coward I am. There are no winners with a breakup, there are no innocents in my opinion. Everyone hurts everyone sometimes. I still find myself feeling like the weight is uneven. I'm really high while writing this I can't lie. I shouldn't post this one as my first one, but I feel like it'd be good if I did. I typically don't remember these kind of nights. Recently the ache of emptyness has been beating in my chest. That's poetic somehow I know it but I don't know how else to describe it. It comes in beats, when you can randomly feel your heartbeat one time and it kind of stings. That's how it's been hitting me. It always leaves me craving church. I've never been religious in my life, at least not seriously. Well, not as seriously as it can be while living in a baptist bible belt. The ache reminds me of Tennessee. I moved away for the first time back in March. It's been odd down here. Not bad, but I also don't think it's been entirely good. It feels like I'm stuck in between two important places in my life. Like there is something else right at the edge of my reach and I can't find it but it's important that I do.  Because going back to Tennessee is not an option. I visited recently. My sister had a baby, and I love her so much, but Tennessee makes me shake at night. My body was tense with feelings I didn't know I held. I've always rolled my eyes at the whole "your body holds trauma." thing, just disregarding it as some dumb internet thing. My skin felt like it was cracking and those memories and emotions flooded back to me like a broken concrete wall. I don't think that makes sense, but it's the best way to word it I think. No one is going to understand the train of thought I have while writing this, but that's okay I think. A part of me is always worried about randomly going viral for something I post online about my emotions. Knowing someone out there will laugh and make fun of me is horrifying, that somewhere to somebody, I will never do anything right; and there's no way to make it right. As much as I try to not care what people think, I always worry about how I come across. If people think I'm 'right' enough. I don't fully know what I mean by that. I know I'm going to wake up and not remember that I did this, and it'll be months before I update again. But honestly, this has felt nice. Maybe it's just because I'm high, and I feel like my emotions and thoughts are canyons and they are easier to explore. That's some classic stoner bullshit I know but it makes sense to me. I sometimes see my life in movie screencaps. It sounds dumb but I'll be thinking about a memory of myself or something and it's shot like a dramatic high-budget film? I'm sure it's a symptom of something somewhere in my brain. I watched Kevin can fuck himself on Netflix today. I finished it I mean. I really loved the ending. That's how my memories are, from Alison's POV. I'm ending this early because I feel super on edge I think I'm way too high. I'm panicking a bit but I love the thrill of it I can't lie. I haven't felt this way in a long time.