Some of the cringe stuff I did as an autistic kid.

In this post, I talk about some of the negative side effects autism had on me growing up. I mention my pica (eating non-food things). Please be understanding haha

Cringing and gagging at the stupid stuff I used to do as a kid…. I don’t yearn for the past anymore because I realize how bad it was overall. Now I’m starting to realize I have to work hard to make a life for myself and to make memories I’d actually want.

I was a kid who was undiagnosed with autism and ADHD. My old elementary school noticed something was up with me before my parents did, either that or my parents didn’t care too much. When I was in third grade, a few of my teachers called my parents in for a meeting. Hi Among other things, they recommended I get checked out for any disabilities. My dad’s response? Pfft… Nawww. She’s just lazy. She doesn’t have anything wrong with her. She just needs to work hard.

Ugh. Bro. You know Chris-Chan? A lot of what he did as an adult (besides the mom-fucking) is reminiscent of what I did in elementary school. I was such a dumb brat. I wish my parents tried to do more and discipline me. I got addicted to reading the Dork Diaries series… Starting in first or second grade. Omg. Also got addicted to Five Nights at Freddy’s and Warriors Cats. NOT ashamed of that. I tried to keep up with a diary. I wrote in it even during class. I thought I was special for being a ‘dork’ and I grouped my classmates in unnecessary categories. The jocks. The CC&P (Cute, Cool, and Popular). The dorks.

The book series was written by a woman in her fifties who had no idea how middle schools function. It’s like how Netflix doesn’t know how to write high schoolers. High school cliques are a lot more… Moldable? One show that I think nailed this was Fred’s Head.

Back to what I was saying! I suffered with internalized misogyny. I took up the ‘tomboy’ title. I tried to control my friends and encourage them to not be girly girls. Control. I liked that even though I didn’t know much about the concept.

I thought I was being bullied. But honestly? Now that I reflect back on it, I wasn’t really… I just couldn’t understand why I failed to get along with my classmates.  I mean, no wonder because I was a complete fool. I don’t blame anyone. I was so stupid. I held grudges against kids. I thought kids were piling up against me. I cried a lot. I didn’t have control over my emotions.

I made a bunch of terrible decisions that hurt others, sometimes intentional and sometimes not. After sixth grade, I transferred to my new school. Over the summer, I had gone through a lot of self-reflection and I felt guilt. So I became a people pleaser and constantly said “I’m sorry.”

I had already had pica for several years before seventh grade, but the change of being in a new school amplified my tendencies.. I’d rub my pencil against my paper, and put the eraser shavings in my mouth when I thought no one was watching. So often that it became a thing everyone in my grade was aware about. Seventh grade wasn’t awful, though. I made friends. Eighth grade was even better. Then quarantine happened.

A lot of things happened in 2020. I wasn’t looking forward to going to in-hybrid school… But hey, at least I wasn’t eating erasers anymore. Haven’t had one in my mouth in over four years, huzzah!! I dreaded for the arrival of full-time school because I was afraid my peers would bring up the eraser-consuming thing… To my surprise and relief, they didn’t. There was one kid who went, “Yoo, is that the eraser girl?” But that was it. No one reacted to what he said.

Four years of high school passed by, and no one brought up the eraser thing. I mean, I’m sure most of them thought of it when they saw me, but whatever. I’m just glad no one gave me a rough time for that specifically… That was kind of cool. Like, maybe some of them realized I had problems and the eraser consumption was a sensitive topic.

I made friends. I still had my best friend from middle school. Our friendship began in seventh grade when I’d listen to her talk about her day and personal matters on the bus. Make friends by being an active listener. My hair grew out. I had it all cut off during the summer before sixth grade. 2022, my junior year of high school, was my favorite year

I still got teased in high school, and sometimes bullied. But I had good friends. I’d rather be alone than have bad friends. I try to be a good friend, too. I still had cringe moments in high school. I had problems with emotional regulations. I bawled my eyes out because I realized a friend wanted to stick with her current friend group and then she got a girlfriend. Maybe I had a crush on her or something. That was in tenth grade.

Now I’m eighteen. Sometimes I’ll use Facebook to go down memory lane. What are my classmates at my old school up to? Most of them are still normal as ever… Normal kids back then, normal adults now. I was an autistic kid then, an autistic adult now. I’m in community college because I want to be a RN, though I’ll probably just take up the CNA job that’s guaranteed at the end of my Nursing Assistant’s class. To see if I like working as a CNA.

Right now, I’m kind of iffy. I’m trying to get over my past. My cringey memories flash in my brain a lot. Insecurity is my biggest enemy. My painful memories rub in my face and tell me I don’t have a chance at being normal. What does normal mean? Well, for me, I just want to be independent. I want to live in my own place away from my family, get enough money to support myself, make friends… Throw in some ‘normal’ interests to mix in with my current interests.

I just hope to reach independence. I can’t blame my parents for my shortcomings anymore. I’m an adult; I’m responsible for my own actions now. It just sucks that it had to be this way. I wish, I wish, I wish, but you can’t control the past. You can only move on.

That said, I do wish my parents tried more. I wish I tried more as a kid, too. My dad should have stuck with the chores. He tried to give my brother and I chores a few times, and then he just gave up. I wish my parents just sat down with me and taught me how to fold clothes and tie my shoes. I taught myself how to tie my shoes through YouTube. I’m still having difficulties with folding some clothes and blankets. My mom left me when I was fifteen, so I feel like there’s a huge chunk worth of growth missing in me.

I’m trying to teach myself stuff and trying to catch up. I wish there were a check-off list for being a well-rounded adult.

I’m thankful for the ability to be self-aware about my past mistakes. I just need to do better. That’s all you can dooo!!! Thank you for reading. I’m sorry it’s a hard read because I’m not the best writer. I’m getting there! But I hope you all have a nice day. Genuinely! Thank you for reading!