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Hi my names maple, i think. ive been using that name for over 2 years now, and i think it'll stick.
I am a closeted transgender (mtf) 15 year old, and have been thinking that for over around 5-6 years.
Growing up i barely had friends, barely made 2 friends. i didn't experience friendships and stuff, wrongs and rights. I learned these things from online friends and people alike. Back to the present i have friends, i have a best friend. but they dont know me, they dont know my name. i want to tell them im trans. but im afraid, they're not transphobic, one of my friends last ex's was trans. Im just afraid. especially my best friend, i dont know how she'll react, i have a guilty feeling she will stop being close to me. im planning but probably not going to tell her around November. because i have this need to tell. i want them to know me, i want them to learn my name. but i can also wait, i can play it safe. i can still be "me" for the last two years of highschool. I can play it safe for my safety.
ill never experience the feeling of being a teenager. ill never feel the good teen year. im too stuck inside my mind, everyday i pass the time, waiting to see my friends because it helps me take away my mind about being trans. but when im with them. i cant help sometimes, i think about how theyre learning, connecting, and having fun with this person. and not me. they dont know me just my outside. and i hold the feeling of my tears in my throat. i cant let them, i wont let them know me anytime soon.
well my sculpture class is wrapping up, i barely got work done. ill see my friend next period and hopefully itll keep my head, my toughts away of being trans a little longer. i hope i dont have to hold my tears in my throat this time.
"Time wasn't right. It was moving too fast. And then I was 19. And then I was 20. I felt like one of those dolls asleep in the supermarket. Stuffed. And then I was 21. Like chapters skipped over on a DVD. I told myself, "This isn't normal. This isn't normal. This isn't how life is supposed to feel."
-maddy (I Saw The Tv Glow, 2024)
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novallii
im gonna say something youve probably heard way too many times before, but just tell them when youre ready. it doesnt matter if the dont accept you or not, if they do accept you then thats great :3 but if they dont, then just let them go. if youre struggling to find friends after that you can always join a club or after school activity. i do scouts and ive met some great people there ^^
just remember to not pressure yourself. if you want, you can let it come naturally. like, if they go to your house often then you can put some little hints in your room. big or small, it doesnt matter. i would try to get them to maybe ask themselves first and then ask you about your identity. sometimes theyll just assume you are trans without even fully knowing if its true, and then when you tell them it wont come as a shock or a surprise.
sorry if this wasnt useful or made no sense, im just very tired T_T
aaaaa dont worrry you still put the time for a reply, i appreciate the suggestion/help!!! ^^
And now that im thinking about it. i think one of my friends have caught onto that i might be trans? im too caught in my mind to make sure. BUT I DO REALLY APRECIETE ITTT !!!!!!
by Truffle; ; Report