I hate romance so much.. but I want it so bad (rant)

I hate romance. like genuinely. I used to love it so much but.. there's a very big story as to why I hate it.

so basically at the end of the school year, I met this person on snap. for privacy reasons we'll call them C. Me and C very quickly fell for each other and started dating on 5/30. we talked a lot on the phone and texted a whole lot and we were very much in love with each other. 

fast forward to July 16th. i got home from summer camp and went straight on my computer to text them, and I noticed that they had changed their bio (which I made for them btw) from "taken" to js "seeing someone" I noticed this and it really threw me off. they swore they still liked me and wanted to do everything we had planned, but wanted to take a step back in the relationship. keep in mind we hadn't ever met irl up to this point. I was really sad abt it but I decided to try and do something about it. I decided to sneak out of the house to meet them. 

and don't get me wrong theyre a super sweet person so they drove all the way to my street to see me. basically they came and we walked to the park by my house, and thats when they kissed me. I was super duper happy and all because I love them and it was also my first kiss. anyways we went into the mens bathroom tg (were both masc) and things escalated very quickly. it was honestly the most best and exciting night of my life. 

fast forward to July 21, about a week after that. they were acting very off and I posed the question "r u sure u actually like me still" and hey said "great question" like wtf who says that?

anyways we decided to still see each other, and on July 29th (night before my birthday) I snuck out again to meet them and I was happy because they were wearing the bracelet I gave them last time. which was a sign they still liked me!! and basically we went in the backseat of their car and made out, sex, etc. and then we watched a Netflix series tg on their phone and it was so sweet they let me lay on them the whole time <3 and then they walked me home. then, for the next 5 days it was normal until that one shitty day.

August 4th started out normally, I had a sleepover w friends the night before and I was going to meet up with C that day. I was super excited!! I texted them and they said "when we hang out today can you bring back the thing I gave u" ofc I said why and they said "whatever we are, I'd like to end it." 

this killed me. I didnt know why I still don't. I'm still getting over it. I still have the biggest crush on them ever and its killing me. we are not completely out of touch, because we are still best friends. we also are friends with benefits, but I just want love to be honest. we have not me up since July 29th. I'm very scared to see them again, I'm probably gonna burst out in tears. I'm not ready. does anyone have any tips as to what to do to help me get over the fact that they're never going to love me that way again? I don't know what to do.


-xan