suffering from ocd (my experiences)

!TRIGGER WARNING!

Everything was fine i guess. I was a edgy boy who listens to phonk, plays football. I was making fun of mentally ill people ngl. I thought it was something that you can move on easily. It,was,not...

I had a phase that I suffered from many traumatic cases, I won't tell them here but they include not-too good things. The edgy boy finally faced the truth, the truth of life. I got diagnosed OCD and major deppression. It took me freaking 7 months to wake up and go outside by my free will. Life is this. You feel like everything is fine but things turn bad, you feel like everything is bad but things turn good!

But there is no escape from reality. This life is painful for me. I have everything: family, money, friends, physics, talents, looks, basically everything but I can't be happy. Happyness is forbidden for me. Whenever I want to get taste of happyness, OCD triggers. It brings the old images, traumatic events to my mind. I only think about them. I overthink 24/7. There is no happiness for me. This life is so hard. I don't remember the last time, the last time that I smiled: in photos, in public, in my room. I feel empty, I feel like life is a big hole. I wish I could erase my mind so I won't see any images.

But I got used to it, I live with pain. I love pain.