My diagnoses

TW: mentions of self harm, suicidal ideation, and mental illness, within this chapter.

I had known for years before my diagnoses that something wasn't right, it went as far back as secondary school. For privacy reasons I do not wish to delve into what my family life was like, but I will go into some of the relationships I have been in (leaving names out).

I had a little game boy as a kid with tons of games on it, my favourite was Tetris. One day, the batteries needed to be changed so I opened up the back of the game boy and it turned out the batteries had been leaking so there was battery aid everywhere, I was immediately afraid of the contamination or becoming very severely ill from it. I couldn't handle touching it and in a panic I set it down on the ladder of our bunk beds and my sister dealt with it for me. While she was changing the batteries, I was wiping down the step ladder to make sure there was no battery acid left behind but no matter how many times I wiped it down, I was still convinced I had left some behind. This was the beginning of a long battle with OCD.

A couple of weeks later we were having a clear out in the house so there were a couple bags of stuff put into our room temporarily, and me being the nosy git I am, decided to rummage through them. I came across a book about Jade Goody, the X factor singer that unfortunately passed due to cancer (I believe cervical cancer but I can't remember now). I read through the book religiously and as I got further and further in, one all encompassing and completely irrational thought landed in my head... am I gonna catch cancer from this book? I instantly dropped the book there and then and went into a frenzy of panic. I went downstairs and sobbed to my mother and of course, she told me I was being silly. She managed to calm me down for a little while until that night...

I started having thoughts about all the different types of cancers there are. A couple of my grandparents had passed from it during that period of time and I think that's why the thoughts were manifesting inside my head so intensely. You saw it all the time on TV, kids who had ended up with terminal cancer. If it could happen to them, why couldn't it happen to me. The next day, I had convinced myself I had a brain tumour. I remember, I had this CD with some nature ambiences and space themes. I plugged my earphones into my CD player and started writing goodbye letters for all of my loved ones.

The next day at school, I gave some of these letters to my friends and told them that I didn't know how long I'd be here and that I thought I was dying. My friends of the time were super supportive and empathetic towards my situation. To note, before anyone judges me I GENUINELY thought I was dying. I even started planning my own funeral, looking at coffins, planning what songs would be played etc. I had never been more terrified in my life up to this point.

I could go on all day about different intrusive thoughts I've had in great length but this chapter would be too long. To name a few more, I was petrified of food poisoning and had to watch my mum cooking, thought I could catch the black death/plague after a history lesson, thought I was going to die after handling chemicals in science, started washing my hands repeatedly to the point they were cracked and bleeding and my parents were telling me off every time I washed my hands, and also had an irrational fear of AIDS and blood contamination even though I'd never come across someone with AIDS in my life.

As time went on, things only began to escalate. I started to see and hear things that weren't there and I told some of my closest friends of the time that I was connected to the spiritual world and I could see ghosts. Of course, they didn't stay my friends for long as they went around telling everyone about it and I quickly became the laughing stock of the entire school. I was being called "Casper" and "the not so friendly ghost." Either that, or people would start singing the ghostbusters theme tune every time I walked past. The school ended up telling my parents about what I had been saying because they were genuinely concerned about my mental health, but my parents thought I was just saying things for attention.

Then for the worst psychotic episode I have ever had TO THIS DAY! I started to believe strongly that I was not from this world and I was here to save the people. I thought I was an alien and I had even invented an entire new language that nobody understood except for me. By that point, I was having the royal piss taken out of me on a daily basis at school. I felt so much pain because nobody understood what I was going through and I was stuck in complete solitude inside my own mind. My partner of the time was trying to be supportive in the best way they could but they unintentionally made things worse instead of better. They started instigating it by saying things like "I can see the stars in your eyes," and "I want to help you find your people." I know he was just trying to make me feel heard and understood but these statements were just digging me deeper into a hole of insanity.

I did eventually come out of that episode after a few months, and once again my parents thought I was just attention seeking. Coming back to the present day, I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder), OCD, Dissociative disorder, depression, anxiety, and psychosis. I am currently still awaiting a diagnosis for autism. I was diagnosed at 20 with BPD, and dissociative disorder, and was diagnosed with the rest at 21. I am 23 now.

Since then, I have been on more medications and talk therapies than I can count, and I am a lot better than I used to be. I have built bridges with the people I hurt when I was going through the worst of it in school. As I am writing this I am being switched from Sertraline (mood stabiliser) and Aripiprazole (antipsychotic), back to Quetiapine to see if this will better manage the depressive episodes I have been stuck in lately. I know I can get through this, I have the support of a loving partner, and friends that are basically like my family.

If anything in this chapter resonates with you and either you, or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help. There are so many resources out there nowadays, and you will get through this and find something that works for you. You don't have to be stuck in this dark place forever.

Published by Kai

My diagnoses

Comments