blog #4 -- back to the old house

flip the brights on, turn the wipers on high / it's no use, you can't see where we're going (i haven't been able to for a long long time)

i'm starting to think that i'm headed down again. it's hard to take. i know that, ultimately, everything will be okay -- it always it --  but i guess i forgot that things have to get worse before they get better. i've been acting like a cheap motel this summer and it's starting to kill me inside. i had a fling with a guy i really liked that ended abruptly and kind of meanly, drunkenly slept with a guy at a party and then found out he had a girlfriend of two years and all in all been so desperate for someone to like me that i've let myself become an object. sure, i know in theory that anyone who gets screaming-in-your-face angry if i say no to sex probably doesn't actually like me, but what can you do? at least i can pretend while they get their kicks for a month or so. i'll get over the inevitable heartbreak and self esteem crash (i always do). for the last month or so though, i've been seeing a guy i really care about and who really cares about me, but he's cancelled on me the last 3 times and i'm starting to get scared.

i'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.

why is it so easy to leave me like that? why is it so easy to spend the time with me, say all these pretty things, take me to meet your friends, hold me so close it's like you're trying to cross your atoms with mine, and then disappear? why does it always come down to sex? why do they treat me like i'm a fucking monster at the gate they have to trick to get the prize under my clothes? why am i not worth the investment? and i mean i, me, my brain, my heart, my thoughts, my feelings. me. not just the parts of me they can shove themselves into.

i don't want to sound self-pitying or annoying, i just wanna understand. how could anyone want it that way? how can anyone enjoy pretending to have feelings for someone else? why would you want to pretend for a month when you could have it for real? if its not what you wanted, why did you take it? i would be happier if i could just accept i was ugly or weird or unwantable and move on, but every time i start to accept the solitude someone comes around to rip it away. it's like the male species is out to get me. i can't even have the comfort of being sad. whether the game lasts for a night or a year, i'm always their arena of choice. i wish i was smart enough to stop falling for it.

i need to try saying no once in a while. i think i'm too convinced that if i don't accept table scraps, i'll starve. i also think that i need to stop handing out the benefit of the doubt like my RA hands out condoms. oh well, i'll learn eventually. i hope. 

i hope things with this guy work out. he seems to genuinely care for me. i think of him constantly. i hope i'm not wrong about this one.

i need to source some ativan. i need to stop eating so much. i need to do my FAFSA. i need a lot of things. but for now, it'll be me and my bass and my diet coke, recalling the little moments lately that have been bringing me some peace:

- sitting on the curb outside the jack in the box i work at, dying laughing with my favorite coworker (alyssa) at a bizarre tinder opening line

- multi-hour phone calls with my best friends (shoutout nat and ally)

- getting my nose pierced

- seeing a band, being given their setlist, getting hit on by their bassist and invited to their next show

- taking alyssa to that show 

- seeing falling in reverse with my sister (we've wanted to see them for like 12 years now, and it's vindication for her missing the mcr show)

anyways that's it. just wanted to rant a little. thx for reading if u did :^)

maybe we're just having too much fun?