I'm sorry to myself

I'm sorry to my younger self

I'm sorry you'll only exist in pictures on Polaroids instead of my own memory

A heart and mind so carefree and happy that if we stood side by side, I wouldn't be able to see the same person

I'm sorry that your memory only exists in your mother and fathers minds, instead of your own, every thought and emotions crumpled and threw in a fire to be burned and the scraps handed to your family to make something of with how they chose to see you

I'm sorry when you lived so I could be alive without even a thought of you aside from single moments of hating a child who already hated themselves

If I could speak to you now I don't even know what I'd say, a single apology wouldn't be enough to fix it all, but maybe I could give a warning or a few minutes of comfort and protection, to let you know you're alive and survived

I'm sorry that I hate you, I understand you were a child but seeing you in my memories makes me feel you should have known better than the things you did, holding a child accountable like an adult in court over simple things a child didn't even understand

I'm sorry that sometimes I wish I could go back in time and hit you or yell at you, I don't know what else to do, I hate that I hate you because it means I hate myself, I'm sorry for hating you and for you hating yourself

I'm sorry for my pre-teen self, the way I'm so hard on you but comfort the child self, casting you aside as a stupid, annoying bitch, the way you already see yourself, I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to forgive you, I'm sorry that it took so long for you to forgive yourself, I'm sorry for the way we treated ourselves, letting you get worse instead of trying to hold us together, I'm sorry I made you try to destory yourself, I'm sorry I tried to kill you in my memory

I'm sorry I want to kill you