hate / yourself (a poem)

the silence is so loud, but you can hear the sirens blaring in your ears and after all these years, you realize you only ever think about your problems. sometimes I wish I was back on that hospital bed struggling to breathe, sometimes I feel like I deserve it again. sometimes I feel like I want to be loved and cared for and felt pity towards, to be helped by charities and organizations for the terrible things that have happened to me. sometimes I know I'm selfish, that I can only think for myself. sometimes I know I victimize myself and my problems, and I act like I'm the only person who ever had problems and I pity myself. it does no use. Sometimes I forget to realize I'm a bad person, sometimes I don't forget at all. 

sometimes I don't realize what I'm doing is wrong or causing others harm as they were just kind to me, and sometimes I don't even feel bad. sometimes I really lack empathy, sometimes I lack feelings at all. because in that moment all you can feel is pain but your so immune to it you don't feel anything at all, you feel numb and yet you have the answers to all your questions and you were all wrong, all along. it's not a good feeling but you don't feel sad, your eyes don't even bother to tear up. is that what makes you a bad person? to not feel guilty when you realize you made a mistake.. or is it in the moment when your saying those things? there's a reason I don't talk much. there is a reason I hide myself away from the world. Because what if I'm just as bad as I think I am, what if I don't even deserve to live? but in such a good moment I made a mistake and it didn't long to find out my karma, it's hard to draw the line from where it begins to end. more like a sudden stop. do I let that good moment go to waste? will it ever last? will I ever be happy one day? I'm not sure, but I can't tell if this is a good start or a terrible end. I guess I'm supposed to keep living to learn from my mistakes, should I just end it all and take the easy route? I will just give myself the benefit of the doubt. I'm so confused, I can't even read it. my mind is so foggy filled with thoughts but yet I remain silent. that's how I seemingly always am. but I could chug a bottle of milk and call it a day, not live to see another sunset or a beautiful russle of the trees. it's hard to know life can carry on after something like that. when you thought you had something good but really you didn't. maybe it was my fault, maybe it was his. I can't blame him, no matter what he did. I'm unsure on what to do next, if life even is worth living. It's no question that things ended on a bad note. a note I can't fix. a note I can't rewrite, Is this all really meant to be? is this what she called fate? I could be wrong, but i thought he liked me and he said "never in a million years" I'm unloveable and I'm not surprised, I'm afraid of what he might tell people. but what can I do? he said I'm not any better than hailey and I know it's true. my twin flame, the sparks between us collide in the air like fire fighting fire. I wish I could take back the things I did, I wish I could go back in time but there is no use. maybe this is just how things are supposed to be. he said he would never leave me, he asked why all my friends left. and my mom tells me not to drive him away by being myself. and my friend tells me I drive all my friends away too, I'm not surprised that it was the real answer. I hope he doesn't ruin my life, but if he did I can't say I didn't deserve it.