distractionblogging [8/28/24] [light tw]

rambling on the blog because i feel sick to my stomach and relapsing is not an option today.

i spent all day listening to music in my room, i met my friend, we dyed my rat tails blue. we watched some youtube and we listened to some music. we also listened to jesus christ superstar on vinyl, we watched the movie together last year and she got me the vinyl when she went to helsinki. so we listened to that. 

i've been impulsive lately, for no reason. i bought a pack of cigs yesterday even though i don't smoke (not enough to buy my own pack, anyways) because i'm not supposed to because i sing and until now that was that. i don't wanna go back to the conservatory this year either. i wanna play the piano and i wanna sing, which means i have to actually practice and not drop my lessons. but i just can't be fucked and i need to find a reason to convince myself to do it otherwise i know i'll regret dropping it five years from now. i want to make something. i've been unproductive and uncreative for so long, at least all summer long. maybe the streak goes longer than that but i don't even remember.

i've been impulsive and i can't be. i don't wanna overanalyze everything either. i've never been impulsive before, not this way. and i wanted to be, but maybe impulsive enough to buy that concert ticket or hang out with some new group of people or kiss someone without thinking about it fifteen times before. i didn't mean this, i didn't want to lose all control of myself.

i'm typing, because it gives me something to do and if i have nothing to do i don't know where my brain will take me today. earlier i walked into the hallway and got a screwdriver out of my dad's toolbox and broke a sharpener open, which i've done before but this time it was worse because it was with my dad's stuff and it made me so sick cause that's not what it's there for, he didn't leave that out there in access for his child to harm themself. and i didn't, thank fuck for my conscious, i got too nauseous at the whole concept of what i was trying to do and threw it somewhere and... did this, instead, i guess.

the summer's ending, and soon uni will start, and i'll go home. and i'm scared cause once my life is mine again i don't know who ii'll owe it to to hold back and distract myself. i don't think i'm in a place yet where i can do it just for me, and even if i feel physically sick at the thought of betraying the people who raised me, so be it as long as it keeps me from doing it. but i won't have to care about that soon, and it's scary.

i didn't mean for this to turn into this much of a vent. i know this is what i made this account for, but i still feel weird doing it. technically i could just delete this whole text but i think i shouldn't. i feel better now, though, than i did when i started writing it. i guess that was kind of the point, good to see it works.