IM LITERALLY SO PATHETIC

so i just started school a week ago and i noticed that in two of my classes i sit rlly close to this one girl, let's call her uhhhhhhhh squid. idk i cant think of anything better. 

so for context im an extremely shy and awkward person, its so bad that i genuinely think i might have social anxiety, every time im put into a situation where i have to talk to people i dont know i start freaking out and i can barely speak, most of my communication is shrugging, nodding, and short sentences. which leads into me being rlly bad at making friends cuz i cant go up to people and just talk to them. in fact most of the friends i have r just people my friends introduced me to. 

so squid sits next to me in guitar and on the first day we passed papers out together, thats like. one of the only times ive interacted with her and it was literally just her asking me if i could help her pass them out and me shrugging and saying sure. 

i didnt notice until like day 4 of school but in the next class i had, squid sits in front of me. i shouldve said something when i noticed omfg cuz now it feels like if i bring up that we have two classes together i'll have said it too late and itll be like. yeah. duh. we've both known that for weeks. but idk how else to start a conversation. anyway in that class we have to do a group project and wow! this would be a great opportunity to talk! WRONG. i still cannot manage to get more than a word or two out which is usually in response to another teammate asking me a question. i have literally not spoken to squid like. at all!!!!! this is so embarrassing for me

the worst part is that SHE LITERALLY MADE RLLY COOL PROPS FOR THE GROUP PROJECT. AND I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING. I TRIED TO SAY "wow thats rlly cool!" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT BUT NO SOUND CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH. IM SO DONE FOR. THAT PROBABLY CAME OFF AS RLLY RUDE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

the funny thing is that ever since i managed to fumble the bag so badly there i've started being really bold whenever i work on other group projects. its almost like im mentally training for when i see her again lmao. idk why i even wanna be friends with her so bad. ive had this weird thing going on for the past 2 years where in the beginning of the school year i see someone who i perceive as cool and i have a few interactions with them and then never speak to them again and then regret it every single day. it sucks especially bad since its always someone who sits near me and im reminded of it every time i see them. i guess i just really dont want that to happen again?? or im tired of never being able to make friends and i want to prove myself wrong. idk man