Alcohol Addiction

Trigger warning: alcohol abuse, self harm, suicidal themes are mentioned throughout this chapter. 

I have been struggling with alcohol addiction since July 2023. I'm not entirely certain what had started all this off but it was likely to do with my work placement of the time. For legal reasons I won't be naming the place for obvious reasons and all names in this chapter will be changed. I also have to state as a disclaimer that everything written here is alleged.  I was working as a technical service desk engineer under an apprenticeship. Things went well for the first year, I had been nominated for employee of the month on three separate occasions, I was beginning to make friends in the office (one of whom I'm still close to, to this day), and any concerns I had about my coursework, workload, and mental health were listened to. 

It wasn't until the second year began that major issues began to arise. The office became severely understaffed due to the employee turnover and instead of hiring new people, they relied on me and another apprentice to take on the slack. My role was pretty jam packed as it was. My line manager and I were solely responsible for building and configuring all the equipment that went out to other prestigious businesses.  It was a struggle some days to take on the amount of builds that were coming in, we were already at full working capacity. My line manager (who I'll name Jack) ended up going on paternity leave for a couple of months and then the builds for the entire company was resting solely on my shoulders. 

Furthermore, the stock manager (who I'll name Lacy), was overworked and working herself into an early grave. The office was becoming quite judgmental towards her because she had several mental breakdowns through her time working there because she was taking on three people's jobs for less pay than one person deserves. So I was being allocated to her in the afternoons to help with the daily stock checks and general maintenance of the stock room. 

My mental health was starting to deteriorate rapidly as I was now taking on my job, my line manager's, and the stock manager's, all of this on top of the expectation that my coursework was to be completed punctual and correct. They neglected to give me my coursework days so I was killing myself outside of working hours to get it done and even then I was struggling. This is when I first started drinking. 

It made things a little easier in the evenings to pick up a glass of something bubbly to help relax me after a long day. It didn't help that the workplace was very alcohol focused. Team days out to go drinking at Wetherspoons after a day at an escape room, evening drinking at TGI Fridays, Summer and Christmas parties where everybody got pissed as a pudding etc. It sorta became a habit to pick up a drink as time went on. 

I'll go into my mental health and my diagnoses further in another chapter but my BPD and psychosis started to wreak havoc in the workplace until I had hit breaking point. There was multiple occasions where I began self harming on the bathroom for a quick release from the stress and hurt I was feeling, or slipping off to the nature reserve on my break to self harm. In October 2023 I mentioned how I came out publicly as a transgender man. What I didn't mention in the previous chapter (as it wasn't relevant to the topic), was that I also attempted suicide during work hours. 

I'd had a conversation with my boss that morning about how overloaded I was feeling and she said unfortunately there was not a lot they could do as they were still in the process of finding new staff members. My concerns and mental health were completely brushed off. Even after coming into work with bloody bandaged around my arms and scars on my face and neck. So that day, on my lunch break I completely snapped. I no longer had any idea who I was and I was entirely detached from reality. In a dissociated state, I was walking circles round the car park trying to calm myself down when I was almost hit by car, and I didn't even flinch. I then walked out of the work gates and down the nature reserve that I frequented, walked up a steep grassy bank and came up onto the motorway. I started walking across the hard shoulder of this motorway and thinking how peaceful things would feel once I had been knocked down and all I would hear is the ambulance sirens. 

I wanted to step out in front of the cars and scream at the top of my lungs, the surrounding chaos seemed to take away from the shambles that was my life. Obligations stopped me though. I looked down at my phone and realised my break ended in 10 minutes, it took roughly 8 minutes to walk back to work from where I was. The next minute was possibly the scariest of my life and it seemed to last an age. I could either step out in front of a car then and there, or I could turn back round and finish my build that I'd started. I turned round, climbed down the grassy bank and made my way back to work. I informed my boss on what happened and she pulled me out of the office.

She was very cold about it, all she cared about was dotting the I's and crossing the T's, getting the boxes checked on the health and safety paperwork so she could mark me off as a liability to the company. I was off of work for a few months after that and during my time off I spiralled out of control with my drinking habits. I started drinking a litre bottle of vodka every day, before moving on to wine or cider. When I sat there and worked it out I was drinking 240+ units a week (the weekly recommended is 14 units). I relished in the perpetual cycle of numbness and euphoria. 

It was only when I decided I needed to stop and attempted to quit cold turkey for the first time that I realised I had a major problem. Things at work never improved when I returned from sick leave so I ended up handing my notice in effective immediately. The withdrawals hit me like a freight train and that's when I sought help. My GP put me through to an organisation called Catch 22 and they taught me everything I needed to know about weaning myself off safely and how to drink in moderation. They were so friendly with me and took me to all of my inclusion appointments. They even sat in on the appointments with me when I was too nervous to go in alone. 

I have relapsed with alcohol multiple times since then and am currently 4 days sober as I am writing this chapter. The withdrawals are insane: I feel like I am burning from the inside out, dizziness, dry heaving, migraines, nausea, loss of appetite, etc. But I know it will be worth it once I am over the worst and I can begin to focus on myself and going back to work. And I have learned my lesson, if I am being taken advantage of in the workplace, I will speak up. 

Thank you for listening to my TED talk XD 

Until next time, peace out

Kai