Ranking Water Worst To Best

10. DASANI Water - As a UK citizen, I haven’t yet found the pleasure of drinking this DASANI water. However, its reputation is stained and I won’t be drinking. I’ve watched YouTube videos discussing the sketchiness of this brand. This water is often given out during festivals but here’s the thing, it contains unreal amounts of salt within, meaning it will leave you thirsty and wanting more. Shitty move DASANI, shitty move. 

9. Tap Water - I hate tap water, but unlike DASANI it won’t leave me feeling like I’ve just drank the Sahara Desert. I don’t understand how the fuck you can wake up at 3am and go straight for the tap. No matter what or who’s tap it is, there’s always rust or like black mouldy goop surrounding it, and it makes me SICK when my toothbrush touches that while wetting it. There’s like a monkeypox water infestation in the UK anyway, or something like that. Whenever I drink tap water, there’s always floating bits in it. 

Whilst on holiday, my mum drank all of the bottled water, and oh boy, I regret reaching for the tap. The water was white, and this whiteness crawled all the way up to the surface, creating a thick layer of white gunk. I was NOT about to be digesting that. My mum has this ancient water filter jug and the water from it still has gunk in it. In my opinion, the only acceptable way to drink tap water is to boil it, or add syrup to it to conceal the floating filth. Plus when raw, it always tastes weirdly sweet, and a tad sour.

8. School Water Refilling shit - I can smell the chlorine when I refill my water and the colour is slightly yellow. I hope I’m not drinking our piss recycled. This is my last-ditch resort to gain hydration, probably after wasting it trying to stay awake in English.

7. Polaris Kids Water - My mum got me this recently despite me being a grown-ass teen 😰but it was despicable. It would only taste good cold. It tastes like water and sugar; the kids are NOT alright if they’re drinking this. It feels like I’m drinking the stuff out of the xylem and phloem, the sweet cell sap out a vacuole.

6. LIDL Water - If it’s not cold, you can literally taste the minerals from the amount of salt in this water. It’s like a more FDA approved version of DASANI water. When I drink this, it feels like I’ve accidentally swallowed a gulp of sea water whilst swimming. But it is drinkable when refrigerated, then it's okay. The only downside is the goofy ahh dumbbell shape cause it makes me feel like a knobhead holding it.

5. Radnor Splash - A water brand provided during school lunch breaks. If you go out of your way to drink Radnor Splashes outside of school, then you’re weird, and a teacher’s pet, and a school system believer, and this, and that. The amount of times I’ve lost my voice because of the acidity of this little shit is not okay. I would only drink it over mineral water because the “Prince” one they provide at school is too sweet and looks like it tastes like dirt, like I would probably find it outside of school disintegrating and covered in dog shit. This one is not on the ranks list because it’s just eh, I haven’t drank it all that much. I have memories of drinking Radnor Splashes with the top bit pierced with a badge off my blazer, and squirting it into my mouth. Funky I know. And the occasional squirting it at Year 7s. 

4. Żywiec Zdrój - Nothing special, but a water brand I can rely on. Slightly sweet. I like the bottle shape, especially the small 500ml bottles. Fair and square.

3. OSHEE Water - It’s water that looks and tastes just like juice, is it really water then? The orange flavour is so good but it makes me feel unhealthy, the other flavours either have too little or too much flavour. Back in the day, I used to drink their lavender water every. single. day. It had this massive uncanny face on the label. That water was so good, literally tastes like pure water and lavender and it doesn’t make me feel diabetic. Makes me feel witchy 😈heh.

2. GB4 / ASDA Water - I drink this brand everyday, can’t and won’t get tired of it. It’s just pure, natural, mineral water that’ll wake me up in the middle of English. It’s not sweet or salty, tastes just nice and refreshing. I always keep a full bottle next to my bed before I sleep. I literally cannot sleep without it. I think these are withdrawal symptoms. I’m addicted. Help.

1. Liquid Death - The packaging was what made me buy this not gonna lie, it is MEGA overpriced for a can of Monster-looking water. I was in disbelief that you have to pay extra for this already pricey liquid refreshment to have flavour but I got the “Mountain Water” one. Oh boy, was this beverage enlightening, MOOD-BOOSTING. I know, it was refrigerated before I bought it but it felt like I was sipping on melted glaciers from the Arctic; it had the cooling freshness of mint in water but without the mint; it tasted just how fresh laundry and dust cleaners smell (could lowk sip on that too); it tasted like the fridges in Tescos feel. It was amazing. It’s hard to describe; it’s something professional water drinkers and enthusiasts like me can pick out and understand. The can looked like beer, like Corona, and to be fair it felt a bit lame drinking water out of this “RAD😜😎⚡” looking canister. Would drink again for real, if it weren’t for the price.

Thank you for reading my invigorating review.