Am I right or is it wrong to feel like I'm so alone??? /VENT

   IM SO SICK OF THIS. im so sick of not being taken seriously and im so sick of nobody believing me and brushing it off. Since 2022 ive been noticing many symptoms in myself for adhd/ or even autism. And its the worst thing thats ever happened to me, NOT BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO BE NEURODIVERGENT, but because absolutely nobody around me is supportive or kind at all about it. I didnt want to be one of those kids who fake a disorder or smth like that, so i did ALOT of research. I wrote down symptoms, i took tests, and i even tried some coping strategies for adhd and they def helped. I relate to almost every post by adhd and autism folk i see, and it all makes me feel very seen and helps me get an understanding of why i am how i am. So at this point im convinced. And it takes a lot of strength but i start by telling my sister; because shes already neurodivergent (dyscalcuila) and diagnosed since an early age.

   In my head, if anybody understands; its her. She did, for a while. She listened to me but she didnt really connect with me at all, and when she gets mad she holds it against me and says im stupid for thinking that im neurodivergent. I tried to tell my little brother bc hes my closest friend in the family but hes like really young so i didnt expect him to take it seriously, and he didnt. 

   After many many many mental breakdowns, i tell my mom. And i cried while explaining it too, the whole time she pretty much laughed at me and told me stuff like "I'm your mom, if something is wrong with u, i'd know." Like um actually no u wouldnt because i dont tell you anything because your very judgemental. And then she says stuff like, "but you're not even hyperactive?" (I am, and thats not all adhd is, she refuses to do any research because she thinks she knows better than everyone.) And what probably cut the most, was her telling me im "too smart and helpful around the house" to have adhd. I really didnt expect her to say these things, because compared to other parents mine are very compassionate to the autistic community and my autistic classmates (when i have any). But in a " i feel so bad for them way" so yk.. Then i had ANOTHER mental breakdown. I tell some close friends and they all brush it off. Only one of them believes me but only because she suspects she may have OCD, and she also brushed it off later on. 

   Then this year during summer vacation i get the strength to tell my dad (I suspect he has adhd too because he shares some of my symptoms. He tried to be more compassionate than my mom but ultimately he was just enetertained. I also cried when explaining to him because its a very sensetive topic for me, since i dont know any adhd or austistic people (that are friends with me) and i feel very alone. He basically said the same thing as my mom and i was extra disappointed this time because even though i know they both suck; I've always seen my dad as better than my mom. He has these angry outbursts in rage but my mom is almost always a bit ticked off. I really have to walk on eggshells around them and I've gotten good for the most part. He said "thanks for sharing" and i just left. I was so mad. Ever since then I've just felt more and more alone.

   I'm also not old enough to get my own diagnosis because I am a minor. I can't do it. I can't do anything. I can't talk to my counselor because she will just bring them in and they will just get mad at me. I can't talk to anyone. I've just felt so isolated and my only solution seemed to make them believe that i was nuerodivergent themselves.

   I've masked my entire life because my parents are very strict and have very high expectations. If you would have told me at 8 years old that i was neurodivergent (or thought i was) i would laugh in ur face. Anytime I showed a symptom or just acted weird (ex: running everywhere, forgetting things easily, sitting in a "weird" way) I would be shut down and made fun of. So I basically have the urges to do all of tehse things, but i supressed them so my parents wouldn't get mad at me (and i thought everyone had these problems). So i started to stop masking a bit. If something bothered me or made my uncomfy, i would say it. I would stim in front of them, and sometimes I would even allow myself to have meltdowns about things I would usually do in private. Of course this backfired majorly. Anytime I did exhibit a symptom, my mom called me crazy. My dad would ask me "what's wrong, why are you acting this way when you are usually so well-behaved?" Like I was TRYING to let myself free but they just kept pushing me back in my shell.  

   It sucks, and the longer I go without help the worse it gets. i feel like I'm slipping if that makes sense? Not like I'm going insane but I won't be able to function in a while from now if I don't have a place to go. I was literally PRAYING TO GOD the other day to just send me somebody who gets it. Someone who feels the same way or someone who just BELIEVES ME and lets me be myself COMPLETELY. I still mask around all my friends but I'm not sure i can go much longer. Everytime somebody catches me crying about this I have to come up with some reason for why I am crying and people start to think I am sensetive. It sucks but id rather that than they think I am crazy or overreacting.