Coming out I guess?

I am 23 years old and I prefer to be known as Kai. I came out publicly and socially as a transgender man in October 2023 and it was the most pivotal moment of my life. I lost a lot of friends, my partner of the time, and some family members too. I don't live with my parents anymore, haven't done since I was 16 years of age and I have no contact with them anyways so who gives a stuff what they think? They're not exactly the "accepting" type anyways. 

I had always known I didn't feel an attachment to she/her pronouns and I was never exactly a girly girl, I'd always fitted in more with the guys (at risk of sounding like a fucking pick me bitch). I was struggling to find a label, and honestly didn't think I needed one at the time. But as time went on I was finding it harder and harder to explain who I was to people. In early 2023 I had made two really good friends. For the sake of this blog I'll name them Spirit and Paprika. As I opened up to them more and more about the way I felt about myself, they attempted to help me find the right label to fit me (to note, they weren't trying to force a label on me). A month down the line, I came out to them and a couple other close friends that I was non binary. They started referring to me with they/them/their pronouns and although it felt MILES better than the female counterpart, it still didn't feel quite right. I figured maybe it was because I just wasn't used to it and I stack with the non binary label until October. 

Leading up to October, I started dressing more masculine and learning tips and tricks with makeup to give myself a more masc face and that was when I told my close friends to start referring to me as he/him/they/them. They actually found it easier to refer to me as a guy instead of a "them." Things finally started to feel right but I still didn't look like me. 

October came and I completely chopped my hair short without warning anyone and I purchased my first binder. My partner of the time was not amused (even though I'd had this conversation with him about my gender identity leading up to this moment). He said it was too big of a shock for him and he ended up breaking up with me. As upset as I was, I held my head up high and walked home from the pub that night coming up with a new name for myself. I wanted something unique but gender neutral so no matter how I was feeling, my name would still reflect that. 

I came out to granddad (whom I live with) that night and although he didn't completely understand it, he accepted me for who I was and would attempt to refer to me by my new name (which he has got really good at now). In less than two months I will have been out and proud for a whole year and it felt only right I updated y'all. I know not everybody is gonna be accepting, it's a big thing to come to terms with especially when you have known someone for so long. 

I have been taking testosterone supplements to boost my male hormone levels for when I start medical testosterone, and I am in the process of being referred to a gender clinic. The waiting lists are long but someday I will be able to go through the physical change and look and feel the way I'm supposed to. 

The first thing I plan on doing once I've had top surgery and I am fully healed is walking down the beach topless like all the other guys do and swimming in the sea. I can't wait for that day...