Woah

Hello, it's me again. It hasn't been the best but I definitely will NOT say it's the worst. It is what it is.

I've come out of the closet, (again) and I'm trans (again.. lol) I've been trans since I was 11 years old, this is nothing new. I'm just more ashamed of it than anything, but it hasn't went away in 7 years..

I broke up with B, and got with this old friend of mine I had had an underlying and actually pretty secretive crush on for a long time. It was great in the beginning, but I technically got broken up with for the first time. 

He has always been in my heart, and will remain there.. though I don't think I take up even a centimeter of his heart. He started ignoring me halfway into our relationship, which absolutely destroyed my self esteem. I had a break down at work because of the weight of agony I was in by being ignored by someone I had so so so much love for (plus other things going on.. )I still do. I'm hooked, hopelessly and pretty pathetically to him.  I've been crying more than I ever have, and we had only dated a month. But the seemingly endless time I had known him is what dug into me.

He was everything I could hope for.. funny, nice to look at, excellent comprehension that I didn't know another person I would be lucky enough to meet could have, dependable, he used his brain in a way I could just understand so perfectly sometimes. Words can't perfectly describe it. 

Every time we talked, I laughed. I was filled with so much joy, even when I didn't understand the things he would say to me. He was smarter than me, definitely. I could lie to myself and say that me and him are similar, but that's simply not true. He's pretty smart, amazing music taste, I think he may have even cared a little bit about me.

When thoughts consumed me, I could dump it on the floor to him, and he would sift through it and point out the trash so bluntly to me. Rather than telling me to throw it away a million times, just as other people would have to, he could just tell me once and it clicked. 

I  won't put all of his business on the internet and what he was going through, but I wonder if it's really the reason he had left me or if I had done something wrong, gotten too happy, too comfortable. I don't know. He says he doesn't hate me, and yet it so definitely feels that way. Though, I kind of know he doesn't. I just don't understand. 

Not that I think I'm oh so lovable and that there's no way he would not love me! But I just wonder.. I think about all the times I had vented, and wonder if I had worn out my welcome, and talked too much about the things that upset me. It just poured out, finally I had someone who could listen and understand and tell me not to be stupid.. and of course I got spoiled and vented so much. I think I soured the idea of talking to me. "Aw fuck it's Avan, he's gonna bitch to me.." I was in a situation that wasn't the best, and when you've talked to a brick wall for 9 months and you only got comfort when you were drunk out of your mind and sobbing... it was refreshing.

I dunno, who knows. I just sit and wait to see if he'll come back to me. He had moved to OK before I was able to see him. I remember seeing when he was supposed to leave, it was June 13th (I had thought it was June 14th but I remembered wrong, as per usual.) But he didn't live far away from my friends. I desperately wanted to see him before he left, but it didn't happen. Of course, things did not go my way. Which happens, I think my vehicle was being worked on, and I was focused on other things that were going on around me. Maybe if I would've seen him things would be different. 

I know he wouldn't have stayed, duh. He's told me, when I made a joke about making him stay. I don't know if he took it as a joke. 

He was so important to me while he was "mine." My every waking thought was him. My every sleep thought was about him. He was becoming my world, and I had something. 

Maybe I am overreacting, and got too attached too early on. I dunno. I don't know what I did wrong. I never want to know, because if I do I will forever hate that part of myself. I will never be able to fix it, erase it, or make it never happen. It's too late, and I supposed at some point will have to be someone else's problem. 

I think about dating someone else, I have someone in mind. But at the same time, I want to wait and see if he takes me back. I don't know, I have a sliver of hope, but if I think too deeply about it I know it is not going to happen.

Everyday, I have a moment of clarity that opens the pit in my chest. The empty hole of destruction that swirls along with the void of emptiness I float in inside of my own head. He put that all away. There is no other him, realistically. In previous writings I could gush about B, stifle the doubts that swirled in the back of my mind as I would type. He was good yes, but he is not this one. That one, I should say in past tense. 

He was not to cope. 

There was a vague loneliness in me with B. But I could handle that. I had only recently had my revelation about life and how much I newly cared for it, but my adoration and interest in this guy had gone on for years. It was carried along with me everyday. I didn't want him so I could cope, and fulfill the dull pain of loneliness. I wanted him, I had yearned for him. I didn't care that I couldn't touch him. I didn't care about anything but him, to have a connection with him, like no other. 

Genuinely like no other. He had seen parts of me that other people didn't even know existed and still continued to give me a chance, after years of pushing it down and assuming that I was nothing to him.

It was probably true, in hindsight. I don't know, I'm moping and being self deprecating. Of course I have to throw that in there lol.

I think about it all the time now, at work, at home, in bed, on the toilet. You name it, and he crosses my mind. It's terrible, and the pain that shoots through me becomes less noticeable as it goes on. 

I usually am really good at numbing my pain, I mean I've had plenty of things I cared deeply about ripped from me. What could be different this time? I really don't know, I'm usually fine and completely able to be fine after a break up or loss of someone close to me (still alive people.)

I'm usually just emotionless. Not this time, I guess? 

There's nothing else to say, really. I loved him, too hard maybe. Maybe he found someone else he can touch. Maybe I did something. Maybe I didn't. 

NO one is like him. I say this every damn time, but this is the one time it is reality and not me blinded by love. Not an ounce of my perception is altered. I've never seen things so clearly, yet had so many unanswered questions. Again, I don't want to know the answers. I don't want to know why, I don't want to know if he hates me, I don't want any of it. I'm my most comfortable in the middle, and deciding things myself. 

I don't think he'll want me back. I really really want him to, so bad. I was willing to throw it all away, what I have here to go be with him. I'm just stupid, probably. I miss him, it's all been tainted and ripped apart to shreds.

I could live without ever dating him if I knew this would happen, and if I knew things would go back to the way it was before. I could keep it all to myself, be in a better place, and not be more baggage for him to carry. If I'm even that.. I don't know. 

He definitely did not feel the deep love for me that I had for him. 

But life goes on, even if I'm stuck. I keep walking, working, living. 

Whatever whatever whatever. I work at Marvin's and I've moved again. I don't really care about any of that.