not me ranting about love ｼ⍤☆

It's strange how human's feel and love so intensely. The desire for connection is within us all. Some people think it's just lust, like those red pilled dating podcast hosts, fuck that idiotic hosts who preach and shame others for their ways of living and loving, which is ironic because NONE of them, not one of them, have a girlfriend. Anyways, I personally think the way humans feel, and love is so unique. The gaze that one person shows whilst looking at their partner or friend is like looking into someone's soul and seeing something that can never be expressed verbally or physically. The type of gaze that you wish you could express but only shows through wanting to grab them and squeeze them. Don't even get me started on touch, and I don't mean sexually I mean that gentle loving touch, when one caresses the face of their partner and rubs their thumb gently on the others face. Or does that thing where they slowly drag their fingers on your arm, and it gives you tingles. 

Connection is crucial in a relationship if you want it to last, and I don't mean just having both parties being interested or being attracted to each other. Of course, that is a part of starting and continuing the relationship, but the type of connection I'm talking about is that feeling that is out of this world, something that feels like you can tell them anything. You should be able to communicate without fearing that they will yell at you for having insecurities or over thinking too much into their actions because of trauma that has caused you to struggle to trust. Talking to them should be as easy as slicing into butter that has been sitting out for days.

The human gaze, right the human gaze, let's talk about that instead of those red pilled dating podcast hosts, because once I get started, I won't be able to stop, plus they already got there 15 minutes of fame, even though this probably will never escape my computer screen. Besides that, I don't know about you, but the eyes are my favorite part on the human body, forget about abs, big ass, small ass, big tits, small tits, flat stomach blah blah blah etc. Nothing and I mean NOTHING will ever top the human eyes simply because they speak. They speak for those who struggle to express their soul. Reaching into the pieces of the soul that can only be felt by looking so deeply into another's. Whilst looking into their eyes I can understand the words they wish to describe the silent reciprocation of equally returned loved that has not been exchanged verbally yet.

Touch is such a sacred part of a true connection, I mean yeah, I've had my fair share of hook ups (I was drunk off my ass during all of them) that was to only understand why hook up culture is so romanticized, and I won't be the first to say hook up culture FUCKING SUCKS. After doing so it only made me see myself as an object that no one would truly want me if I didn't "give it up on the first date." Leaving completely empty after those encounters made me realize how many people don't understand the gentle loving touch, they hit me, pulled my hair, spit on me, degraded me I shit you not I walked away from one with my scalp hurting every time I laid down and a bruised bite mark on my cheek. I walked away feeling worse than I did when I showed up. Since that last encounter 1 year ago I haven't hooked up with anyone, I hate hooking up I think part of me kept doing it to brag to my friends or make myself feel worthy. I've always wanted gentle touch, and I knew that deep down inside while doing all of those things. To be honest I can't go into depth on what type of touch is "sacred", the best way for me to put it is I just don't want to be hit.

After all, I'm still young but that doesn't mean I don't know what love is, I mean of course there's parts I'm still clueless about like having kids with someone sharing a bank account with someone marital problems touch... but that's the beauty of it you are constantly learning new things about the other person and even if it's bad. No one's perfect they are "perfectly imperfect." I've always loved that saying, I've always found the beauty in the dark. So, you can keep looking for that "socially acceptable" partner or the "banging hot body" partner or keep on living that hook up life or running whatever works for you honestly. But me I refuse to live like that anymore living up to people's expectations of giving it up on the first date or succumbing to being hit during sex because that is simply just not me. I believe in fairy tale love, and I don't care how childish that sounds I've seen it so there for its real. I think it's strange how intense humans feel and love and will continue to love and feel in a strange way rather than pleasing others.