advice from my therapist...

If there's one thing anyone should know about me, it's that I'm an open book. I have little shame or embarrassment sharing about myself, and I especially don't mind talking about my trauma or my mental health issues. It's therapeutic and freeing to get my story out there, and if it helps someone else? Well, even better!

With that being said, I wanted to share something my therapist told me in our last session, which was very eye opening for me. She said: "it's okay to grieve the childhood you never had". In fact, she continued on, it's recommended because then you can heal from your trauma. (Not verbatim)

The last thing I wanted to do was to visit my parental trauma in the dungeon of my brain, and allow myself to sit across from it and feel those emotions full-force. But...if that's what it takes to heal, I want to heal. I want to be able to go forth in the world, knowing that what happened in the past no longer has a hold over me. I want to be able to look at my parents and not feel anger or bitterness, or wonder why I was never good enough for them. I want to be free.

In the past, I would separate myself from my emotions (at least, as much as I could) and look at my trauma like an outsider. Like it didn't happen to me. I recognize now that it was a way to protect myself, but separating myself was also the thing that was hindering me. Currently, whenever my emotions become too strong and start breaking free of their cage, it results in intense sadness, a little anger, and the worry that I'll be like them one day (should I ever have kids - I know I don't want pregnancy, but I'm still on the fence about adopting in the future).

But if I work on things and allow myself to grieve, maybe then I can truly forgive my parents. Maybe I can live a life where I'm not constantly yearning for their love. Maybe I can finally let go of these chains and walk out of the prison.

Anyway, I feel like I'm in a period of rediscovering who I am. I'm going to glow up, or turn over a new leaf, or whatever you want to call it, and it's going to be amazing. I'm excited for the person I'm going to become.

I know most of you don't really know me (although I hope that'll change in the future), so thank you if you've taken the time to read this. I hope, if you're in a similar position, that you're able to grieve what might've been or what you've lost because of your own trauma. And I hope and pray that you're healing from it.

If you're the praying type, prayers would be much appreciated. In this journey of self-love, I'm also learning to fully rely on Jesus and fully believe what He says about who I am.

I'm terrible with endings, or wrapping things up, but that's all I have to say. Thank you. ❤️️