Queer and young

someone will always be stronger than you. and that person could turn out to be the worst person ever. that could be the big guy that hates gay people. it could be the man who walks his dog down the street every morning. it could be the woman who comes from a tough life, who has something to say about you all the time; always talking about someone waiting for the weakest person to submit. the big bads of the world will look at you and know in your eyes that youre afraid. they'll hate you because they were taught to, maybe because of something that happened in their past. maybe they wont just hate you. maybe they know you couldnt put up a good enough fight. they eye you. they watch you. they say things to intimidate you, pretend like its under their breath. wait for you to look at them, just a glance will do. then they'll see if you say something, they'll see if you have no where else to go, they'll notice the people around you two not caring to interfere. these people will not care how old you are. wont care where you come from. wont care if they are simply assuming. if you are odd, if you are small, then you are deserving of the worst. but it doesnt always come to harm, theyll be nasty but for the most part they leave, or let you go if you show you have no reaction. so theyre the worst right? not really. you know whats worse? its knowing that even if youre with your peers, not a soul would notice whats going on fast enough and not a soul would help you. why would they? who are you to them? nobody. and thats what you'll always be right? thats what it feels like. just a weak person. sure, you mind your business, sure you keep your mouth shut, theres no direct reason any stranger should seek issue with you. but you look odd, ugly, gay. you look like someone who deserves to be beat up and left on the street. youre just some faggot. the world will keep spinning wont it? and by chance, if you tell someone what happened, would they believe you? would they care at all? maybe you did something to deserve it. maybe if you were normal nothing like this would happen at all. if its not because youre gay its because youre a woman. maybe if you looked more like one people would like you. but you cant be too pretty. then people will hate you. but you cant be ugly. people hate ugly girls. and most of all, you should hate yourself. because thats what the world tells you. because until you feel shame for who you are, the world will never stop reminding you how unwelcome you are. "we kill people like you where i come from" and sometimes, you wish you would die. sometimes when that quiet voice becomes loud inside your head, that voice isnt yours. its just everyone whos ever reminded you how much they hate what you are. maybe one day, the universe will reveal all its secrets and all its knowledge, and we will stand before it in awe; maybe it will tell us why we exist and explain our differences. maybe then we will all feel just a little bit foolish. but im afraid the only way to speak to such a higher power, if one would believe in it to begin with, is to return to the earth. and even on my best days, i still think of it fondly.