vow of silence.

if i'm going to go anywhere, i've got to go free. i simply must.

free, and for free.

with support from anarchists, not institutions.

because institutions; they ask for my information, they ask for my money, which would be better sent to Gaza & Pine Ridge, they ask for stability & regulation & inauthenticity which then leads to anti-autonomy. but anarchists, the type of anarchists i need to be with, whether they identify as such or not; i think they ask for their basic needs to be met, which is what i would ask for, as well, and if i meet them, and they're willing to reciprocate if they even have something to give back, well, then i can ask for what i need and who might get me there. 

lately, i've struggled a lot with who to trust, who to forgive, because once you start to really see how complicit we all are in all these harms, it's hard to forgive & trust yourself, and it's hard to forgive & trust anyone else, because everybody wants to justify how they live, and everybody lives complicit. everybody, even me. which is why i need forgiveness, and trust, and love, and i'm not talking about romance, god no, i'm talking about the bare minimum of being with someone who you can build trust with, who will hold you accountable to other people, and who will support your rest when you feel drained, all that. and i realized that trust needs to be built, and it can't just happen, and in terms of who i should forgive enough to be able to even start to work with them on building that kind of trust, well, everybody who really tries for liberation gets to be forgiven. but not everybody really tries, because liberation isn't just individual liberation, it's collective liberation. that's what true liberation is. and everyone who works on their individual liberation first is going to see institutions as an option, because everybody wants to justify how they live with the threat of their death which is apparently inevitable if they don't work with institutions. and anybody could say they're really trying for true liberation, even me, but everybody's words can get coopted, even mine. which is why i'm tired of words. i'm gonna go mute. silent. head down, eyes forward, heart open. y'know, there's only so much awareness can do. there's only so much having a lot of people who see you, who follow you, can do. 'cause if they see you and do nothing else but that, those aren't really your friends. those are just eyes. i may not stop writing, and sure, i'll speak to communicate if somebody absolutely needs me to, but there are so many things you can say with action & action only. and i guess we'll find, right?, whether i stand by any of what i've said or not. i want to be the kind of guy that just. is there. for others. in whatever way they need. and you can see it in his eyes, and in what he does, everything he believes. that way there's nothing left unsaid even if there was nothing said. and i want to be that kind of guy, so i'm going to be that kind of guy. i'm not gonna let anyone take my words and spin them. can i tell you? one of the most destabilizing things ever is having someone you know is a fascist say they agree with you, say you’re all saying the same thing, or encourage you to do something you say you want to do. am i being coopted, have i already been? somebody can say they love you, and not mean it at all. someone can say they love you, and only you, and mean that, and i don't want that, neither. i love all people. i want to love all people. i want to be accountable to people. but i don't know where the accountable people are, and when i say i want to be accountable to people, i don't mean i give one single fuck about etiquette. i want to challenge people and still be okay to them, but because they really are listening to me, not cause they're not listening to me but they think they are because they think we already agree because they're right and my challenge was nothing and did nothing. like how fascists do. but on the other hand, there are some people that will be obvious about their abuse of you, and that's better, but not because abuse is better than love, but because, again, someone can say they love you and they don't mean it at all. are all people, everywhere, awful? i need to find out for myself. but i don't want to, can't, neglect nobody else. i'm tired of words.

there's someone else who's tired of words: Mosab Abu Toha, a Gazan poet; "Words have started to get empty of their meanings. Words like 'massacre,' 'killed,' 'bombed,' 'wounded,' 'amputated,' 'bleeding,' 'missing,' 'under the rubble,' 'air strike,' 'death,' and 'beheaded.' We are seeing these words every day. I'm using these same words almost every day. Our eyes have grown more and more accustomed to them to the extent that our feelings have turned numb [when] we encounter them. And I'm afraid my people in Gaza are facing the same reality now on the ground, though they are living it, not only hearing about it, like everyone outside. All we have to do is kill the language, leave it behind in dictionaries, and take action giving meanings back to the words."     

yes, i need to live. in the ways i need to live, in the place where i'm from. but i'm only going to do that with people that really, really love me, which means really, really loving other people. which means i don't want to do anything to uphold slavery. any kind of slavery. or genocide. and i can't just say that. i have to embody that. 

it's the only way.