Losing myself to a false version of me.

     I am in high school. A brand new school, same town though, so I do know some of the kids here. I have been 'undercover' as a cis boy (im a transgender boy) and I feel like I'm losing myself to it. I don't feel like myself anymore, I cant enjoy feminine things anymore like I used to. I used to be happy when I would dress like myself. I love wearing dresses and skirts and makeup, I love doing drag! I consider myself a drag princess! but I cant do that anymore in public because if someone from my school saw me they would accuse me of being a girl and it would cause me to get bullied like I did in middle school.

     I look at the dresses in my closet every day while grabbing a shirt to wear and it aches me. It hurts. I want to dress how I used to. I dress in the boys locker room, I use the boys amenities, I've started behaving like a cis boy, im getting used to it but people still think I'm a girl. So if any sign of not being a boy pops up (eg, crossdressing) im doomed. I'm trying so hard to fit in but I hate it. It's not who I am.

    I am not a cisgender boy, and I never will be, but im okay with that. being transgender is part of my identity I revel in. feeling accepted as transgender feels amazing but that's online. Real life is so different from that. I am out as homosexual at school because it is very apparent that I have a boyfriend, but if people find out that I'm transgender things would be different. People would just think I'm a straight edgy girl. And I hate it.