Trying really hard to be less controlled by my emotions

Hi guys. I don't think we should repress our emotions, but work through them and understand where they came from, why we felt like that, and how we can just let them pass through us than letting each and every one tumultuously affect our moods.

I'm really guilty of this.

My boyfriend, who is super sweet and kind and does his best for me, always becomes the victim of my moods. Someone in my family will get on my nerves and he will be the one to experience the brunt of my emotions. 

Sometimes, one of his messages will rub me the wrong way (not enough enthusiasm, didn't reply fast enough, etc.) and my mood will be ruined beyond repair for the rest of the day. And yet he will call me, he will talk to me, and ask me questions about how I'm feeling and what he can do better--and every time I'm stumped. He can't do anything else better, he's already doing his best to be perfect without being disingenuous (faking excitement in texts with emojis and exclamation points, which is so not him... it would bother me too if he did that, unsurprisingly enough). 

And in person, he is nothing less than perfect. He will cuddle me, ask me to play videogames with him and get upset if I don't (in a sweet way), cook for/with me, clean up for/with me, talk about whatever, share stuff about himself. He checks up on me everyday, even if we have nothing to talk about. I don't know. 

He is good, what am I? Then, he asks me about how I'm feeling, why am I making that face, why am I not smiling? Am I not happy with him, he'll ask, he'll just go home, he says. One time he thought I was so upset with him that he finally broke and said he was going to cut himself once he got home, and if he could borrow my new cutter for a bit since his stuff was cheap and dull and probably wouldn't do the job. And I did not even react like a good person, I told him not to borrow any of my stuff because I've "given him enough, stop taking my things."

He set up a date on my birthday. It had 3 parts: 1) museum date, 2) painting pots date, 3) dinner. He said his favourite part was watching me quietly paint a corgi-shaped pot (I chose a corgi because I have one named Peanut) because I seemed so happy during it.

I am the one who needs to change my behavior. I don't think anything is wrong with him, he is doing his best given what I am. I do so much bad. I hurt him so much. I want to be better, I want to treat him good. I want to be a normal person. There are no problems, yet I pick him apart and tell him he's not enough, and he's not doing enough. Why was I made this way?

Sorry. I just went down an unproductive thought rabbit hole.

Where did these emotions come from? I guess from the fear that, maybe this guy doesn't actually love me. These little things are sign of it! I tend to get tunnel vision on those small "bad" things, and ignore all those great good things. I guess it's mostly also from the fear that what if all those good things actually meant nothing, that I'm finally seeing the "true colors" now? It's too easy to convince myself of that.

Where else did these emotions come from? I am afraid for when he finally realizes I'm too hard to love, too hard to be with, and he'll think, "This is not worth it. Kris is not worth it." I am both scared for that moment, but I almost think it'll be a sort of relief. For both of us. I will finally have been right, I will have been unfortunately right: we were not meant for one another.

But I guess it's more of a self-fulfilling prophecy thing: we were fine for each other, I just made it so that we weren't with my terrible, self-hating, self-destructive, thrashing, violent, selfish behavior.

I wish I thought less of myself. Like literally had less thoughts about myself, so that I wouldn't reflect on myself so much and find so much things to hate. I want to be distracted by more interesting and fun things. 

I am gonna leave this here for when I inevitably start to bubble over again. Maybe I'll be better that time around.