i hate being autistic

i don't really care if this is something we're not supposed to say, the reality is that to me being autistic truly is a disability that hinders me from properly interacting socially, and it's incredibly frustrating.

a friend is currently going through a rough time and although i did offer my help if he ever needed it, i'm still so... i don't even know what to do or say. i kept asking my best friend "should i reply again? should i ask him something? should i follow up with something else? maybe more encouraging words? or is me continuing the conversation annoying? should i give him space? should i wait to see if he says anything else? what am i supposed to do or say now?" i genuinely don't know!! i offer my help but can't actually give it, i want to be someone who can listen and give advice, say the words others need to hear but. i. just. can't. do. it. the words don't even form in my mind, i don't know what to say, what is acceptable to say, how, when, my brain simply doesn't work and i hate it so much, i hate being like this, i feel so stupid.

and it's always been like this, family reunions, school, group projects with people i don't know, or when trying to talk to new people in general, be it irl or online, my mind goes blank, i think and think and think but genuinely don't know what i'm supposed to do or say. a question? about what? should i make eye contact? maybe that's too much eye contact! ok now should i interrupt them? talk about me? is it my turn? should i remain quiet? what should i do?

i want to form connections but can't, help but can't, talk but can't, i feel useless and annoying and burdensome and like some retarded alien that'll never fit in, because i simply can't interact like a normal person.

i just want to talk to others with the ease NT people do, i sometimes see how my mom or college mates or literally  everyone else can just strike up conversations with anyone and about anything so easily, so casually and in such a fluid manner, to be able to keep the conversation going and going and going, and just... how. how???? i don't get it, i want to be able to do that too!! but i can't and i hate it and i hate myself and i hate my shitty stupid brain