I HATE IT. (Vent)

I don't want to do all this adulting stuff. I feel stupid for trying to ask for help or tell others how i feel. I feel like if I tell other people how hard it is to do anything, to even find the motivation to try that they'll just look at me like I'm a worthless idiot. As if I am not as good as them just because life is harder to deal with. I f I word my stress and how I can't handle it alone I feel as if I'll only face judgement not get the help I need. I'd rather suffer alone struggling and being burnt out then have the few people in my life think of me as pathetic. I'm really trying my best. But it just isn't enough to ensure a future. I feel like I can never amount to anything, that I'm not worthy of love or admiration or even respect. I feel like there's only one person who truly understands me and she thrives in areas I struggle, not all of them but enough that I envy her, even if there are things that I am better at then her. Luckily it's what makes us a strong team. I am ever thankful for the few people I know I can rely on for some things. Even so I still feel so alone in this journey. Trying to do so little to gain that freedom and adulthood I never wanted in the first place. I mean going to college upgrading so I can go into biology, getting a job, making a bank account, choosing a credit card, banking and finance, cleaning my room and organizing, getting that new bed and storage, making a healthy diet schedule that fits my nutrition needs. For fucks sake it all feels like too much. I barely made it out of high school alive, then I got diagnosed with autism. Life doesn't need to be this hard. Yet it is. I have a Boyfriend but I feel more loved, respected, admired, appreciated, worshipped and honored by my friends. Specifically My bestie of over 10 years, My bestie of 8, my besties of 6, and my newest friend who is basically just me but from another timeline istg we are literally the same person. At least they understand and love me! Treat me well love spending time with me, have long cool conversations. Sharing interests and feelings. I like being able to relate to them. I prefer my friends over my partners and I always have. I hope one day I can have a friend who I fall in love with and we start dating and nothing fully changes. It stays as if we were just friends but now we kiss and cuddle, romantically. If I fell for them as a friend then I'd hate for them to do a 180 when we get the title of dating! I liked you as you. Anyway just needed to vent because I'm stressed and I have no one else I can talk to about it. It really is just me against the adult world. But I know I can make it. I refuse to roll over and give up for more then a month.